Patience: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue...

Knowing that I had been fully approved by the Arapahoe County Community Board to be released to move home and live with my family (after 16 months apart) was such an amazing feeling. Although we had been living a halfway together life for 7 months, I was so ready to sleep in my own bed...with my wife.

I met with my case manager a few days after the meeting and was fully expecting her to tell me that I could leave the halfway house any hour. But she informed me that upon approval by the community board, there was still a lengthy process for getting me moved through the system - government bureaucracy at its finest. When I asked her how long she thought it would be, her response was a breath-taker, "4-6 weeks". I called Sallie and broke the news to her - even though I had been approved, we still had to wait for the paperwork to be processed - we had to wait for the government to do their thing.

Normally, Sallie and I wouldn't have been too worried about waiting a little longer to bring the family back together but we were up against a deadline - Sallie and the kids were moving back to Logan, Utah.

Long before I was sentenced to prison, my business partners and I had decided that we wanted to move our company (Spartan) headquarters back to Logan. We recruit a lot of engineering  and construction management majors out of the Utah and Idaho schools and Logan offered a central location for that. We also all have family ties back to the area and after living away from family for so long, we were all ready to live back closer. Fortunately, Spartan is now at a point where we are all comfortable moving the operation back there. Once we knew that I was getting out of prison, Sallie and I started contemplating selling our house and were eventually approached by some good friends about buying it. In turn, we bought a house in Hyde Park, Utah from some good friends and the trifecta real-estate deal was done. We pushed off moving out of the house in Colorado as long as possible but ultimately, our new buyers needed to move in and our kids were anxious to start our new lives in Utah. So we set a moving date of May 5.


I was approved to move home on April 11 so we figured that I would get some amount of time at home before everyone moved. As a matter of reference - I will not be able to leave the State until early September (assuming that I am granted parole in June).  Anyone that is sentenced to prison will have a period of time after their sentence is over called "parole". Parole is a time where you are still monitored by the state but  are free to live a pretty normal life. I will see the parole board in June and they will determine if I am rehabilitated enough to be released from the Colorado Department of Corrections. Going before the parole board is one of the most dramatized events in movies involving prison. When I think of the parole board, the most classic movie scene that comes to mind is Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption -



Parole Board : Ellis Boyd Redding, your files say you've served 40 years of a life sentence. Do you feel you've been rehabilitated?

Red : Rehabilitated? Well, now let me see. You know, I don't have any idea what that means.

Parole Board Man : Well, it means that you're ready to rejoin society...

Red : I know what you think it means, sonny. To me, it's just a made up word. A politician's word, so young fellas like yourself can wear a suit and a tie, and have a job. What do you really want to know? Am I sorry for what I did?

Parole Board: Well, are you?

Red : There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try to talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone, and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It's just a bulls**t word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a s**t.

Movie Excerpt  - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5wHe-B7JJ4


As much as I love everything about Morgan Freeman's response, I'm thinking that's not the way I'll respond to my parole questions. Anyways, I digress - even if the Parole Board approves my parole, I'm not going to be leaving the state before September 4.
So...after weeks of waiting for the Department of Corrections to release me from the halfway house, they finally gave me a date where I could move back home - May 6 - one day after Sallie and the kids left. It was totally disheartening - my bed, that I had been dreaming about sleeping in alongside of my beautiful bride, was on its way to Utah (with the girl and our kids) before I ever got a chance to sleep in it again.

So now, for the 2nd time in less than 18 months, I am living alone, miles away from my family. Fortunately, we have some amazing friends, who had an empty house (nor far from the one we just sold), that they are letting me live in. I did request that our dog Zeus get left behind to keep me from being too lonely.

So for the next 3 moths it's just me, a Canine Greek-God, an empty house and a lot of patience. But for the first time since this whole ordeal began, the end is in sight...yes, the end is in sight.


Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Centennial Community Transition Center 

Me and my daughter Elizabeth

Me and my daughter Navy




Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Felon, 416 Fire, Silver Creek Fire, Spring Fire, Cabin Lake Fire, 

So close, Yet so far...

Three weeks ago, I sat down for my weekly meeting with my Case Manager at the halfway house for our weekly meeting. The case managers use these weekly meetings to gather information on how residents are doing with their employment, finances and social behaviors - for so many people the transition back from prison to life is a HUGE undertaking - and these meetings allow the halfway houses to gauge inmate readiness for full release back into the community. My case manager is a sweet, kind, Chilean, middle-aged woman who has been very helpful and accommodating during my time at the halfway house. As I sat down to begin our meeting, she was broadly smiling and I sensed that she had something to tell me. "Mr. Stephens, you have been selected to go before the Community Board for release from the halfway house". It was kind of cute just how excited she was to tell me the great news - she knew that I had been waiting 6+ months for those words to come out of her mouth, and here we finally were.

In Colorado, when you have completed the programs associated with the halfway house, show stability in your employment and finances and have non-violent crimes, you can transition to "ISP or Intense Supervision" which is a dramatic way of saying that you can move home, live with your family but must wear an ankle monitor. It's something that Colorado has gotten right with their criminal justice system - inmates who earn the right to be back in society sooner than their sentences indicate are given the opportunity to do so.

So, a few short days later, Sallie and I drove to the building where the Community Board meets. Although you are not given the opportunity to speak at the meeting, you are asked to be there in case the Board has any questions. The Board consists of judges, attorneys, businessmen and other community reps that can hopefully provide an objective decision on inmate readiness. I dressed how I would for any business meeting (jeans and a sport coat) so I didn't think I was trying to hard to impress - but it was funny to Sallie and I because when I first arrived some of the board members thought that I was one of the new members of the board and asked me to sit at the conference table (they were expecting a couple new members that hadn't been introduced yet). I quickly informed them that I was "Candidate A", they all awkwardly went back to reading their dossiers and Sallie and I diverted from the invitation to sit at the table and instead sat down on the aisle of shame.

Sallie is actually quite familiar with some of the members of the board and the approval process because of her tireless efforts lobbying to get me moved from prison into the halfway house. She was relentless in calling, emailing and visiting the board - just trying to get me closer to her and the kids. Of course, unlike Washington, lobbying the Department of Corrections is an exercise in futility, but Sallie was relentless and unwavering - and I can't help but think that at some point the board thought, "she could probably manage this guy better than us"... and gave in. (This community board is the same one that decides if inmate candidates are eligible to transition from prison to the halfway house, and just 7 months earlier, this board had approved me to be released from Rifle Correction Center (Prison) to the Centennial Community Transition Center (Halfway House)).

As the meeting was called to attention, I found myself going over different inspiring one liners that I was ready to spew out to show my readiness to move home. I even considered just invoking my inner-Mel Gibson ala Braveheart and just looking them all in the eye and yelling, "FREEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!" but as it turns out, none of my cheesy, inspiring speeches were required. The meeting opened, they presented my file, asked for a vote and just like that, unanimously, the 12 members of the Arapahoe Community Board voted for me to be released to my family. It had been 16 months since I had first entered prison, 16 months since I had slept on a real mattress, not worried about missing a check-in, not worried that a poppy-seed muffin could cause a failed drug test...After 16 months of dreaming of spending the night in my own bed, it was finally within reach.

But little did we know, father time had another trick up his sleeve - and despite our excitement coming out of that meeting, spending that night in my own bed with my beautiful wife was not nearly as close as we thought...


Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Centennial Community Transition Center 

The Cascade Effect of Bad Decisions

Well...I indicated in my last post that one of my goals was to write on the blog more often. It's been almost 2 months, so... FAIL!

From an update standpoint, I am so close to being able to move out of the halfway house and be back home with Sallie and the kids. I am completely done with the "program" part of the halfway house. Now, it is just a waiting game to get approved by the community board to move back in with Sallie and the kids - the process can take anywhere from 1 week to 2 months (kind of like the Cable Repair Guy schedule from Hell). It's interesting how our human minds work. We tell ourselves how grateful we'd be if <insert wish here> and a lot of the time, our wish comes true. And then once our onetime wish is our new reality, we're no longer fulfilled with it, so we want  <insert new wish here>. I can remember some of those first nights in prison where all I wanted was to be able to go outside, look at the sky and breathe fresh air. I can remember nights up camping on fires this past summer where I'd look up at the stars and just dream of being able to see that same sky with my family...And so I'm constantly reminding myself to keep the right perspective - that as bad as I hate waiting to move back permanently with my family, I'm OK with my current circumstances - at one time, I would have given anything to have my current setup.

Sallie and I often admit to each other that we can literally feel the darkness that has encompassed our lives over the past 3 years lifting and leaving. All of the fear, doubt and anxiety that comes with the unknowns, unexpect-eds and unfamiliars has been replaced by the faith and hope that comes with the knowns, expect-eds and familiars. We are reestablishing, rebuilding and restoring everything that my poor choices destroyed. It's not easy - but it is incredibly satisfying to be moving forward along the path of life again.

As I've gradually transitioned back into my former life, there are some things that are incredibly painful to face. One of the unintended consequences of this whole situation is the cascade effect that my bad decisions have had on so many of the people in my life. I think that one of the biggest lies that we tell ourselves, whenever we make poor choices (sin), is that those choices don't cause any harm to anyone but ourselves - and there are even times where we convince ourselves that those bad choices don't even harm ourselves.

One thing that has become apparent to me as I've started to rebuild and repair relationships is just how damaging this whole situation was on so many people in my life. Everyone from my wife, kids, extended family, friends, former teammates, business associates, employees were put into a situation by me where they had to try and reconcile who I really was - was the Brandon that they "thought" they knew really the Brandon that I was? The media's involvement further complicated the entire situation and put so many people in the awkward situation of having to defend or explain what was going on. As I've talked to so many of you and others about this whole situation, it has become apparent just how difficult of a situation I put so many people in. The tough discussions, questions, conversations etc. that came with all of this were difficult, at best, and at worst, damaging nearly beyond repair. This situation has consumed massive amounts of resources from our friends and families - time, money, sleepless nights, the list could go on and on... Former employees who used to work for me at Wood Group, were blackballed and shunned - simply because of their association with me. My kids were made fun of, ridiculed and harassed about their Dad - the prisoner. I've digressed somewhat into negativity here - but please understand, that's not my intention at all. I just want to make sure that I properly acknowledge what I now know - that the cascade effect of my bad decisions was beyond anything that I ever could have imagined - or wished on my worst enemies. The consequences of my self-serving bad decisions were only ever supposed to hurt me - never those who I love and associate with.

For this and everything else, I want to send an open apology to anyone and everyone who was hurt by my bad decisions - I am sorry. I've had the chance to tell a lot of different people that I'm sorry - but I understand that there are many people who I may no longer associate with or have contact with who I haven't been able to reach. And there are a great deal more people who are too nice to ever let me know just how much this situation has impacted you. Once again I'm sorry - I screwed up, I really did. And I'm fully aware that there are things that have happened that cannot be reversed - for that my soul aches.

I love reading C.S. Lewis and I love his quotes. Two of my favorites are-

"There are far better things ahead, than any we leave behind"

"You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending"

I've spent way too many hours daydreaming about being able to go back in time and smack myself upside the head and ask, "Do you really know what you are doing? Do you know who you'll end up hurting?" But countless unanswered prayers for time travel tell me that there is no going back. So as C.S. Lewis says - I'll start where I am and work towards changing the ending.

I hope that those of you who I've inadvertently dragged into my adventure can forgive me. I never thought that this would end up where it has ended up. All I can tell you is that I am truly sorry... and there are far better things ahead, than any we leave behind.

Love you all-

Brandon


Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Centennial Community Transition Center

13 Months A Prisoner

Despite everything that has happened the past 3 years, it's sometimes really hard to wrap my mind around the fact that it all actually happened. I'm sure that there is some natural survival mechanism in our brains that takes traumatic experiences, files them in a folder somewhere on our cranial hard drive and then selects "hide folder". Sallie and I have at least one conversation a day where we both agree that everything that has happened doesn't seem real. And I assure her that if any of this starts to seem too much like a dream or a nightmare, I could just miss one of my check-ins with the halfway house and everything would get "real"...real quick!

The truth is that even though our life is not completely back to normal, we are so grateful where we find ourselves. I've gotten into a pretty good rhythm for living sleeping at the halfway house. I really am only there to sleep. I am either at work or my house from 6 am - 10 pm all day, everyday. I'm currently a Level 3 resident (out of 4 Levels). With each level I earn more privileges - I am now up to having 30 hours of "free time (time outside of work)" each week. That's almost as much (if not more) than I ever had as a free man. I've been able to go to church each week with my family and I've never appreciated church more - almost enough to wish that we could go for 3 hours again.

The staff at Centennial Community Transition Center (the official name of the halfway house) is very nice and my case manager has been very helpful in making sure I'm progressing through the program. There are some very basic requirements that allow you to progress through the program (or matrix as they call it)-

1. Maintain Employment
2. Pay Rent
3. Complete your essays (weekly requirement)
4. Stay Drug Free
5. Do your chores
6. No write-ups

So it's not like they're requiring a lot from people - but you'd never believe how hard it is for so many people to not check the boxes on these items. And I get it, anyone who has regularly read my blog knows, one of the takeaways from this whole experience for me is that life is harder for so many people than many of us would ever be able to imagine. The vast majority of us are people who have never had to consider trying to make ends meet on a minimum-wage job, homelessness or battling drug addiction. Take my word for it when I tell you that (for lack of a better phrase)- the struggle is real. So many of my fellow residents at the halfway house have good intentions - they just can't quite dig out of the hole that their life circumstances and decisions have dropped them in. 

For the duration of my time in the system, my circumstances have made me the "exception" and not the rule. This has been frustrating at times - abiding by the rules that are in place for EVERYONE at the halfway house seem ridiculous at times. I find myself wishing that the system had the ability to properly evaluate each person on an individual basis and custom-tailor a plan that meets their specific needs. But the resources to accomplish something like that would be tremendous and frankly, (we), the common tax-payer would not be willing to support such an undertaking. So, I've come to accept all of the extra restriction as just another part of my punishment for making some poor choices. 

As an example, I'll talk about the word "movement". Movement is one of those words that is used throughout the prison system. There is major differentiation between the security levels of prison and the allowed "movement" of prisoners. For example, in maximum level prisons, all movement is controlled. This means that the prison staff dictates when you are able to leave your cell and when you must return to your cell. Your cell door remains locked until you are able to move. In a minimum level facility, movement is not controlled as your doors are unlocked all of the time. You are just required to be back in your rooms for role-call at certain times during the day. 

In the halfway house, the Staff must be able to account for your whereabouts at all times. This is primarily done through a computer system that allows you to pre-schedule your whereabouts throughout the course of a day and checking-in with the computer whenever you are moving from place to place. They audit your whereabouts by calling designated people in your life (boss, wife, etc.) or by requiring you to show your GPS location via a phone app. If you are found to be "out of location" at any time during the day, it is a write-up. Depending on the severity of a write-up you are either regressed back to prison or stripped of privileges. While I completely understand the need for a system like this, it becomes extremely frustrating to adhere to. Here's an example of how a typical Sunday looks for me-

600 am -  Check out of the Facility (sign out via computer)

615 am -  6:45 am Travel to work

645 am -  Arrive at work (call the Halfway House and check-in)

1130 am - Leave work to go to Church (call Halfway House to notify about movement)

1200 pm - Arrive at Church (call Halfway House to notify about arrival, Also GPS snapshot                                  Halfway House)

200 pm -   Leave Church to go Home (call Halfway House to notify about movement)

230 pm -   Arrive at Home (call Halfway House to notify about arrival)

400 pm -   Halfway House calls Sallie to verify my location

900 pm -   Leave Home to go to Halfway House (call Halfway House to notify about movement)

1000 pm - Arrive at Halfway House (sign-in on computer that I have arrived back)

1000 pm - Halfway House options upon arrival (pat down, drug test, body search)

1030 pm - Go to bed

(If, at anytime you miss one of these check-ins it is an automatic write-up.)

So while I completely understand the logic behind all of the checking in, it becomes such a redundant task for someone in my situation. But having different requirements for different residents could be a slippery slope and there just aren't the resources to properly customize a plan for every single person and I get it.

As it stands now, I will be eligible to move home sometime in March. They haven't told me what their deciding criteria for actually letting me move home will be, and they have already told me that my situation is so unique that they may not have an answer for some time...

At the end of the day - things are going great. It is such a blessing to be back with family and friends and working again. I've been so busy getting transitioned back into life that I haven't made time to write on the blog like I should. So I've committed to writing more often - hopefully I'll make that happen. 

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, District Attorney Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Felon, 416 Fire, Silver Creek Fire, Spring Fire, Cabin Lake Fire, SWIFT Run, 1.5 miles, Fire, Fighter, Brandon Stokey, Running for my life, Elder Gary Stevenson, Quorum of the Twelve, Apostles

ONE YEAR TODAY..

 I truly never thought I would ever be writing a 'one year today' for so many reasons. Truthfully, I didn't think I could make it through every holiday, milestone, and every lonely night. Somehow, here I am; I never dreamed on this day last year, Brandon would be here with me and our kids. 

I have had so many people ask how we did it, what we learned, any regrets, how we have changed. Simple questions with such complicated answers. I have many, many regrets but I have learned that any amount of growth comes with hindsight regrets. I had to will myself to get out of bed every morning. I had to tell myself it could be so much worse, I would look in the mirror while brushing my teeth telling myself that I can do this, I have to do this. I would meltdown in my closet or in the shower so my kids wouldn't see me. When I washed my face at night, I would cry because I made it through another day. 

I have thought about 2018 in so many different lights. I don't know if people who reached out to me, Brandon and the kids knew what it meant to us. I saw goodness in so many people, friends, family, people that I wasn't necessarily close too, some I didn't even know, friends of friends. It was extraordinary. My parents, they are the greatest and most Christ like people I know. They are such an example of what being a mom and dad is all about.

I had so many bad days but as I look back, there were so many good days. How dumb does that sound? I know it does but it is true. Maybe all the dark days made the good days all the brighter, what a blessing that is. Being able to look back and appreciate the truly good days has brought a perspective on life that I have never known.

Life can change in an instant and mine did. Although it's not completely behind us, it's getting close. My three girls and my  one boy have been my world, but now, I appreciate them on a level I never did before. They gave me so much hope and so much strength. Their unwavering faith and resilience is extraordinary. Kids have a pure love in them and it carries through in ways I never noticed until I desperately needed it. They loved me through my lowest days while loving me on my best. Never did I doubt myself when I was with them. I wholeheartedly believe as they get older, they will look back on this time in their lives and will draw from it and be an everlasting reminder that they can do hard things, because they did. What a gift that is and will be, they will be better people because of this. All Brandon and I have ever wanted for our kids is for them to be happy and better people than us, they have already surpassed both. 

I was so worried about Brandon. I worried if he would ever be the same. The jovial, confident, loving man that I have loved more than half my life. The funny thing about this whole situation, I doubted him and our kids and the strength they have. I thought I had to be strong for them, oh how arrogant I was.

 Brandon has become the best version of him I have every known. He's different in many ways, but not. I don't have the skill of writing it eloquently, I guess it's simply that he is all that he was before yet has this quiet humility of love and compassion in his countenance. Something you can't fake. I have seen him handle situations with dignity and humility, some have been really hard but in the end, he owns who he is and has a confidence in himself that comes from his heart instead of his head. I know that sounds so silly, maybe even dumb; it's the only way I can describe it. I love him more than I thought I did, I love him for enduring, accepting and embracing all he's gone through. He came home a better man than he was January 24, 2018 and although we are still far from perfect, we are better together than we were 365 days ago.

What have I learned in the last year? I have learned that love and forgiveness can lift the burdens that haunted me. The darkest of days could never overshadow the light that always peaked through. I learned there is always, always hope. Hope in prayer, even when it feels like no one is there. Hope is having faith despite our doubts.

I always think of the saying that it takes a thousand compliments to undo one criticism. I believe that, I also believe it takes a thousand prayers to undo one thought of hopelessness, despair or fear. I believe it because I lived it. I had to consciously focus on the light around me so I didn't get overwhelmed with all the darkness. 

If I can take one thing from 2018, it will be to be a light for someone, anyone. There is nothing darker than feeling alone. Everyone has trials, everyone has things they are ashamed of, embarrassed of, mistakes. Most of those, people will never know about, and some of them will be public. I'm not sure either is better than the other because it's terrible to go through things alone and it's terrible to go through things publicly. I will forever be in debt to those who brought light into my dark year. I will always try to be good to people because I know how much of a difference it make to me. 

I am so grateful to be able to write on this blog. I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned that I never wanted too. I am grateful for people believing in us, loving and supporting us without hesitation. Thank you to every one of you who have loved us on our ugliest days. I love that we have survived what I thought we couldn't; I am proud of our mistakes, our outwardly showing scars because they are daily reminders of all the happiness around me, how far we've come and how much I have to be grateful for. 

Rock Bottom...

 "And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." This quote is from JK Rowling - the author of the Harry Potter book series. And I have come to appreciate this quote more than ever... It's an interesting idea - building a solid foundation on rock bottom. As it turns out, the idea holds up in real-life applications. My entire professional career has been in and around construction. And whenever we are required to build something that requires a strong foundation - we excavate the hole deep enough so that there is a solid rock bottom on which to build the foundation. If you fail to build on a solid rock foundation, the structure will settle, which will cause cracks in the foundation, which can cause the foundation to fail - and once a foundation fails, everything that is resting on it will come tumbling down. My rock bottom came 11 months ago on January 24, 2018 - the day that I was sentenced to 5 years in prison. I've included a picture of me from that awful winter day - a mugshot. I look at this picture and try and remember what was going through my mind as the guards pushed down the button on the camera. A lot of those days are all a blur to me, but I can remember thinking to myself..."all is lost". By the time this mugshot was taken, my plight through the criminal justice system was already a media favorite in Weld County, Colorado so this was this icing on the cake. For years, all through my football career, I had always benefited from the media. But now, at my rock bottom, I wasn't prepared to accept the seemingly unfair part of the gig - the part where they show up to publicly document your mistakes, weaknesses and ultimate demise - all to sell a story. It was the thought of being blasted across newspapers and the internet that really made me feel like "all was lost". I wish that I could go back to that cold, dreary January day and slap myself upside the head and say - "ALL is not LOST - ALL is about to be FOUND"...

After sitting in that cold, dark prison cell for that first week, small bits of hope started trickling in. Because I could not use the phone, hope trickled into the prison in the form of letters. The first was a letter from Sallie and the kids - telling me how much they loved me. Then more letters from family, friends - even strangers expressing their support for me and my family. Over the coming months, God rained down blessings on us - I made the firefighting team, Sallie and the kids received so much help from so many people, my business partners stood by me and as the apparent weight of the entire world bore down on us - we bent but we did not break.

One of the reasons that the Brandon in this picture thought that "all was lost" was my pursuit of what I call "perceived perfection". For a good portion of my adult life I've lived with the idea that I needed to portray some level of perfection to the world. And when I say "world", it's almost as if I'm referring to some imaginary, virtual group of people that are just at the fringe of my life but not at all a part of it. After all, I could never portray any level of perfection to those who really know me - those who are closest to me would be very aware of my imperfections - and love me in spite of them. But there was always this idea, however ridiculous it now sounds to me, that my success and ultimate worth in this life was somehow determined by my portrayal of perfection to this virtual group of people. And so when the day came that I lost my ability to control the message of perfection to the "fringe people", in my mind, all had been lost.

One thing that I will takeaway from this whole experience is the knowledge that there is tremendous power in our imperfections. In fact, in a lot of ways, our imperfections and shortcomings make up a huge part of who we are. The power comes from knowing, understanding and then fixing our weaknesses. Eleven months ago I would have considered such a notion ridiculous - but there is a part of me that now finds gratitude in the fact that I lived out the results of my mistakes in such a public fashion. JK Rowling thought the same thing when she said, "I was set free because my greatest fear had been realized".

I'll never be able to be one of those people who tells you that "I don't care what people think about me". The truth is, as it stands today, there are a lot of people who fit in that category. But it's an entirely different group than it was a year ago. I've given up on the "virtual" people - I don't know why those imaginary people ever mattered to me at all. The people whose opinion matters most to me are those that know me best - those that would have never demanded perfection from me to begin with - the people in this picture with me - including Zeus. We are so happy in this picture - but we're not happy all of the time. We argue, don't clean up our own messes, we fight, pee where we shouldn't (Jack & Zeus), some of us go to prison, spend too much time on our phones, complain about going to church, despise school, work too many hours, spend too much money, need fake eyelashes - the list goes on. In short, we are a family full of imperfections - but believe me when I say...that is perfectly OK.

And so rock bottom became the solid foundation upon which I built the rest of my life..












Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

It has been 313 days since Brandon's sentencing was handed down. I have never had an experience with criminal court, or civil for that matter. I have always believed in our legal system and I still do for the most part but I do believe it failed Brandon. I have tried so hard to not be bitter or angry. So far, I have done pretty well. I would say the beginning of November I started to feel those resentful feelings.

Let me be clear, having Brandon in the half way house is wonderful. Being able to see him working again, living somewhat normal is what we have been hoping and praying for since January 24th. The thing is, it's hard. He's here but he's not. He can't quite be a dad and husband like he wants, like we want, when he isn't living here. I know that it's a matter of time, but isn't everything?

I find myself frustrated because before he moved to the halfway house, we had our new normal down. I knew he would call me every morning at 10:30 if he wasn't on a fire. Then he would call again around 8:00 to talk to the kids and say goodnight. Weekends were spent driving back and forth from Rifle. I knew my responsibilities and having him pretty much tell me how wonderful I am and how much he loves and misses me was actually really nice. I remember a few times when I was visiting him in Rifle, he would tell me all the wonderful, flattering things you see on a Hallmark movie. I would laugh and tell him how quickly he had blocked out all my faults. He thought I was perfect, my impatience, my lack of budgeting skills, being grumpy when I am tired (8:00pm) and/or hungry, stomping my foot to help make my point; all of that was cute and endearing. 

One time in particular, we were sitting outside and he was being his sweet self, the charming, appreciative husband telling me nothing but how perfect I was. I got annoyed and pulled my hand back from his. He laughed and asked what was wrong. When I began to cry, his eyes almost popped out of his head, he was so confused. I told him he is saying all these things and it's not me. I'm not a unicorn like he was saying, I am so far from perfect and I was scared that he was going to be so disappointed when he was finally home and reality hit him and suddenly, it all comes back. Not a unicorn, more like a raging, unmanageable bull.

So here we are and if you asked him about me, he'd laugh and shake his head. He'd never say anything bad about me but that's because he is such a good person. But reality came faster than a bull chasing a matador. Ha, I was right, I'm not nearly as endearing as he had remembered. Trying to be a couple in these circumstances is really, really hard. I can't call him and ask him to grab some milk on his way home, help me run the kids here or there, shop for Christmas gifts, go on a date or spend a weekend away together. Yet, he's here, but not. I just keep thinking this is silly, why not just let him move home and if he screws up, we know what's at stake. Seeing him so nervous about messing up one of the halfway house rules is so hard to watch. He's never done this before and with how extreme everything has been, he is scared that one mistake will send him straight back to Rifle. It's a terrible way to live but he's doing it and doing his best to accept it and get through it.

 On a positive note, Brandon was given time to come home for Thanksgiving. My parents were here along with my two younger brothers, their wives and boys. It wasn't everyone, unfortunately my older brother and older sister's families couldn't make it and although we really missed having them, it was the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. That day was all about Brandon being here around us and knowing his nephews didn't forget him. Just feeling normal again, even if it was only for six hours, it was perfect. 

Since then, I'm missing a normal life so badly. I want him leaving for work in the mornings, coming home for dinner, doing normal Dad stuff and going to bed in our bed only to wake up and repeat. Right now, it's close but so far away. I keep telling myself to hold on and remember there's a reason for it all, that we will be alright. Honestly, I am just tired of trying to rally myself. Both of us are trying to navigate this as best we can, but we aren't in our groove and it's tough not being in sync.

I'm ashamed because I now have what I have been praying for all year and I'm still asking Heavenly Father for more. He has got to be disgusted with me for seeming so ungrateful. I got what I wanted and yet it's not enough. Thing is, I am grateful and this is so much better that it was. Maybe the secret to life is all about appreciating the present, what I have right now today. If I would spend my energy on that instead of waiting/wanting for this or that, I'd be a better wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, etc. Ugh, it's depressing and overwhelming to think about. The phrase, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger..it's not true. Trying to survive may just turn you into someone you don't want to be. That is what I am trying to avoid right now, one foot in front of the other and remind myself to acknowledge and appreciate  he is here, my kids have their dad back and how much they adore being around him. His life is busy with work and catching up with everyone. I am happy for him yet I can't help but feel a little lost in his world. I have to figure out my new role and figure out how to focus on what I can control, and let the rest be. I want to be better because of all we've been through, and right now, I'm not quite there.


Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Centennial Community Transition Center 

Grateful for the Little Things

Ty B (3) and his Uncle B (Undisclosed)

As it turns out, life outside of prison walls is much busier than I ever remembered. A month ago when I walked out of the Rifle Correctional Center,  I had some grandeous plans about tackling some of the world's biggest problems. But just like everyone else, I'm completely busy just handling my own issues. I suspect that we've all felt this way- right after making a New Year's resolution, coming away from an inspirational talk or committing to that diet just minutes after the Thanksgiving glutony guilt sets in... just as the last of those butter-filled mashed potatoes hit our stomachs. We've got all the motivation in the world for tackling that next big problem right up until we get distracted by many of the realities of life...maybe we can live with the hope that we'll get credit for our intentions at some magical future date...

Although I'm still nowhere near a "normal" life, this halfway life has turned out to be pretty amazing. I'm convinced more than ever that I am a creature of habit and routines make me comfortable. It has taken a solid month to fall into a routine at the halfway house and now that I'm there, things feel great. Because I'm not authorized to spend any time at home with my family, I am spending the majority of my time working. I work from 6:30 am to 8 pm every night. It has been awesome to be back in the office - even if I am working crazy hours. Sallie and the kids are able to stop by work to see me on a pretty regular basis - we sometimes eat dinner together and Sallie is able to pick me up and take me back to the halfway house to end each night. It's not ideal at all but it is such a better alternative to the nightly long-distance phone call that we have had to rely on for the past 9 months.

I did get permission to spend 6 hours at home for Thanksgiving and it was absolutely magical. Most of Sallie's family came into town and it was so great to get to spend time with them all. I love seeing my kids interact with their little cousins (my kids are more like aunts and uncles to them because of the age gap). I was able to spend some really good time with Sallie's parents. They have been involved in my life since I was fifteen years old so they could never be referred to as "in-laws". They are just as important to me as my own parents. The attached picture is of me and my little nephew Ty B - ironically enough, he was born 3 years ago to the day that all of my legal heartaches began. There were tough times when some of the only bright spots in my life were when he or his brother Scottie would give me hugs. Now three years later, when I hold him, I'm reminded of all the innocence and beauty this life holds. There are so many people - my wife, my kids, my extended family, my friends, business partners, so many of you...and my nephews... who will never quite understand just how grateful I am for the love and support that I have received through this incredibly difficult period of my life. It's impossible for you all to understand how serious I am when I say that I simply woudn't have made it without the love and support...it scares me to think how different things could have ended up.

After spending Thanksgiving with so many of the people that I love, it was a stark contrast, at the end of the night, to return to the halfway house. The vast majority of those in the house had not had the luxury of being able to spend the day with loved ones - primarily becuase they do not have people who love them. Some of them don't have loved ones because their decisions have eliminated them from their lives - others were born into a world where no one loves them - by no choice of their own. Either way, I couldn't help but turn my head and eyes slightly upwards in reverence to give thanks to my Heavenly Father that I do have people that love me. In a season that is built around the idea of being thankful, I hope that I will never forget how grateful I am to be loved. There may be nothing greater that we all take for granted than the simple principle of being loved. We go through our days seeking out things that we feel will bring us happiness often overlooking the most basic of human needs - to love and be loved. I have never been more aware of how lucky and blessed I am to have people that want me to be with them during the holidays. I've never been more grateful for the idea that families are eternal - and that no matter how unloved someone may feel - they have a God in the heavens that loves them unconditionally. And I have never been more grateful for the simple hug that a 3-year old boy could give his uncle. I hope I'll never forget how thankful I am for these little things - speaking both literally and figuratively, of course.

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas

Privilege

One of the hardest parts of incarceration, especially for someone who has never been in jail before, is relearning just how many of the things you do everyday are privileges. In the beginning it was things like being able to go for a walk, visit and talk with the people you love, eat whatever you were in the mood for, sleep in a comfortable bed, go to the store, choose who you live with, earn money, spend money, go outside whenever you feel like it...the list goes on. It was very hard for me to accept the fact that so many little things had been taken from me - things that I had never even considered significant were now front and center in my everyday thoughts - in that aspect, prison really is effective in teaching you just how good life is (or can be) for law-abiding members of society.

Being at the halfway house has been such a blessing in so many ways. I am able to see my family on a regular basis - although not in the setting that I would like. But as I've mentioned in my previous posts, there is something torturous about being so close to the life that you once knew without being able to fully engage in it. I love seeing my beautiful daughter Navy - but I hate not being able to go on walks with her. I love seeing my son Jack, but I hate not being able to play catch with him. I love holding my baby girl Elizabeth again, but I hate not being able to be home each night to help her with her homework. And of course, I hate being so far away from our daughter Maggie - I hate that she's so far away from us. And being back around Sallie has been the greatest thing of all - except for the fact that it's like we're back in high school again - parking lots and back seats are our dating venues.

It's also been eye-opening for me to see just how institutionalized I have become in the almost 10 months of being part of the system. While I was still in prison in Rifle, I would always tell myself that that I could never become an institutionalized person - it's just not in my personality.I'd see so many different people who would come to Rifle from higher level facilities and have a hard time with the relative freedom of a minimum level facility. I'd watch them struggle with being able to come and go out of their rooms at any time, they'd struggle trying to be respectful to the guards because they were so used to always fighting against them and they were always paranoid that other inmates were out to get them.

As I've began my reintroduction back into society, I occasionally find myself hesitating before I do some mundane task - because it was something that I needed permission to do while incarcerated. I am always plagued with a small bit of anxiety, no matter where I'm at, that I'm going to forget some small detail about checking-in, doing my chores, etc... that's going to result in me getting regressed back to prison. Sallie calls it my PTSD - I suspect that it will get better as I get more and more used to this new level of reality.

One thing that is clear about the halfway house - a lot of the guys just don't end up being to handle it. Just this week there have been 2 more guys who ran away, missed their check-in's and never came back. It's hard for me to comprehend why someone would go through all of the effort to qualify for the halfway house, only to run away once you got there. Running away from the facility is considered "escape" and will result in a  minimum of 3 additional years in prison. I don't think that they'll send SWAT Teams to find these guys but the next time they have an encounter with the law, they'll have a warrant out for their arrest and they'll start the cycle back all over again. And it won't be long until they do have that encounter with law enforcement - they aren't running away from the halfway house to go spend time with a traveling christian choir - but I've been wrong before...

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas

Halfway Back to Real Life (Part 2)

Today is a big day - for the first time in the history of this blog, I am physically typing these words onto this page. No one is more grateful than my beautiful scribe Sallie- for 9 months she has taken my handwritten letters, scrubbed them for inappropriate content and typed them up for me...she was happy to turn things over to me...

WOW! What a crazy couple of weeks! As I sit in my office typing it's all still a bit dreamy - hard to believe that I'm at least halfway back to what I remember life being like. I have absolutely loved being back around my family and loved ones. The halfway house is located about 15 miles from our home. I have such mixed feelings about being so close to them. On one hand, it is such a beautiful miracle that I am where I am - after having only been in prison for 8.5 months. It was such a cold, dreary, hopeless day back in January when the judge told us that I was going away for 5 years. The part of this that I wasn't expecting was how hard it is being so close to my family and not being able to go home to them.

Early on in my incarceration, my good friend Brandon Stokey gave me some very good advice, "never, ever, ever, believe what other inmates tell you". This advice came in handy during so many different circumstances over the past 9 months. But for some reason, once I found out that I was being transferred to the halfway house, I completely forgot about this advice. For the days leading up to me leaving Rifle, so many inmates weighed in to tell me what to expect at the halfway house. I had so many questions about what the program was like, what the rules were, what the food was like, etc...and just about everything that I was told by my astute colleagues was wrong. How did I ever forget what Stokey had told me?

Here is a quick list of the expectations that I had coming into this past week vs. (the reality)-

1. You will be locked down for 24 hours and then you are free to leave the facility with permission. (You are locked down for the first 5 days with the exception of being able to make one trip to Walmart for hygiene supplies)
2. There is a matrix progression system that will allow you to graduate to living at your own home with an ankle monitor within 90 days. (The matrix system essentially takes 6 months before you can qualify to move home with an ankle monitor)
3. You'll be able to go and visit your family as soon as you have a job (You are not allowed out of the house for anything other than work for the first 8 weeks. After those 8 weeks, based on your progression through the program you can get 20, 30 or 40 hours per week of leisure time to spend however you want)
4. You'll be able to attend church whenever you want - it's against the law for them to not let you attend church (You can't attend church until after the 8 weeks is up and it will count as leisure time)
5. You'll be able to go to the gym anytime you want (Once again, you can't go to the gym until after the 8 weeks are up)
6. Your family can visit you anytime they want (Adults can schedule 1 hour visits to come and see you but because there are sex offenders who live at the halfway house, minors are not allowed)
7. The food sucks (The food isn't any better or worse than prison food)

Those are some of the major misconceptions that I had coming into last week - I'm positive there were many more. 

As I mentioned in my last post, the halfway house reminds me of a small hospital. There is a front reception area, a cafeteria and then 14 or 15 rooms. Unfortunately, the rooms are setup like army barracks with 10 bunk beds per room. And wouldn't you know it - new guys always get a top bunk. There was a time in my life (when my little brother Jason was my bunkmate) that the top bunk was the place to be. I have far outgrown that feeling. The top bunk is terrible - I'm literally 9 inches from the ceiling. And with 10 other dudes in a room, the nights sound and smell like hippos in heat. The snoring, the farting, the burping...it is all bad. Fortunately, I'm only at the facility to sleep - I am spending the rest of my days back at work. The facility is located exactly five miles from the office so I have been running to work 4 or 5 days a week. It has really helped me to keep up my cardio game while not being allowed at the gym. 

On the Thursday after I arrived at the facility, they allowed Sallie to come and pick me up and take me to Walmart to buy anything that I needed. We had a 3 hour window to drive there, shop and drive back. Fortunately, it was relatively close so we were able to "park" and "talk" and "talk" and "talk some more" and then "talk again",  something we had been waiting to do for quite some time. The conversation was awesome! And so romantic there in the back of my truck in a Walmart parking lot. I'm sure that Sallie had been dreaming about this bucket list item her entire life. My best friend Bevin and his wife Sara and their kids were in town and they drove our kids over to Walmart to see me. It was so amazing to spend time with my family and dear friends - even for just a few minutes at Walmart. It's the little things that I've truly learned to appreciate over the past 9 months. 

The next morning I was able to sit down and meet with my case manager. She was able to explain how the program works and what I needed to do to succeed in it. Keep in mind that these halfway houses are meant to help people who have been in prison transition back into the communities. The vast majority of the guys in this halfway house have been in prison for elongated periods of time - so they need some time to readjust. Although I can appreciate the purposes of the program, it's really a one-size-fits-all program, which can be frustrating. That being said, I couldn't be more grateful to be where I am at. 

For simplicity of example, the program reminds me a lot of beginning life as a child again. You have to ask permission to do everything - and the only way that you can earn privileges is through good behavior. Chores, being kind to each other, maintaining a job, paying rent, washing your clothes, cleaning your room - you have to show that you can be a responsible member of society again - and I get it. It may be frustrating for me but I can see how a program like this can really help prisoners integrate back into the communities that put them away to begin with. And plenty of the guys that are in the house have shown that they can't handle the freedom - many have been arrested and taken out of the house in handcuffs for possession of drugs and one guy overdosed in our bathroom and nearly died right there on the floor. The temptations can be overwhelming for many of these guys and there has to be a process whereby they can show that they are ready to integrate back into society. 

My work hours are currently 8-8 everyday but Sunday. I leave the facility at 7am and get back at 9pm  - it has been so nice to get back to work. We are assigned chores for the week and my current chore is to clean up the smokers porch - which is a terrible chore. For some reason, it appears that nicotine has an affect on people that prevents them from being able to place spent cigarettes into a round garbage receptacle - the drugs affects require them to throw the cigarettes directly onto the ground - or so it seems. 

As frustrating as the struggle can be, being halfway home is a dream come true. My life now resembles the one that I once knew - and I love every minute of it. 

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC

Halfway Back To Real Life (Part I) - (Centennial Community Transition Center)

On Tuesday, October 16, 2018 at 2:30 a.m. I began my journey back through the fires of hell. The routes that prisoners are transported along are like a gigantic subway line running through the major prisons in Denver. Rifle is literally the last stop on the subway line so in order to get back to Denver, prisoners must travel back through all of the major prisons. As you progress along the "subway line" you pick up more and more prisoners - each stop containing progressively more hardened criminals. By the time you make it to your final destination, the bus is separated into 3 main areas caged off from each other - life sentences in the front - those being released in the back - everything else in the middle. 

I didn't sleep at all the night that we left. I had so many thoughts and emotions as I took the last walk through the facility - the last walk through the hallway that led to my cell, the last walk across the yard that led to the track, the last walk across the grass that led to my ride out of prison and the last drive out of Rifle that led to my freedom. It was pitch dark outside and freezing cold - but I couldn't help but notice the beauty of the moment. The facility is located in an absolutely beautiful valley, surrounded by snow-capped mountains. If you didn't know any better you'd think they put the facility there for the views - the truth is that they are there as a reminder that there's only one way out of the valley and that's in a van driven by guards. I was not sad whatsoever to be leaving Rifle but I was sad to be leaving some very good relationships behind. I knew that there were many people, both guards and inmates, who I would never see again. But after nearly 9 months of incarceration, I was taking the ride down the canyon for the last time.

The thing that I was regretting most about the transport was having to wear handcuffs again - on both my hands and my ankles. I've never really received an explanation as to why the handcuffs are necessary, especially for those of us that were on the ride to be released. But they are required and for those of you who have never had a pair of handcuffs on, suffice to say, there is nothing worse. In fact, I've told Sallie multiple times that the two worst sounds in the world are the sound of handcuffs clanking shut around your wrists and the sound of a solid steel door slamming shut separating you freedom. I'll never get over either of those sounds. 

There were 3 of us that left Rifle. The first leg of our journey took me back to Delta, CO - it was about a 3 hour drive. I spent 3 weeks in Delta earlier this year on my way through the system to Rifle. Once we arrived in Delta we were transferred from a van into a large school bus. There were an additional 8 or 9 inmates that joined us from Delta. The bus was the same one on which I had nearly froze to death back in January. As our luck would have it, it was just as cold as we made our way through the high Colorado Mountain passes on our way over to Buena Vista, CO. We could see our breath for the entire 4 hour trip and all we had on were our prison scrubs- it was SO cold. Once we arrived in Buena Vista we were transferred to a nicer bus. This bus was the quintessential prison bus - it looked like a war machine. Bars on the windows, multiple armed guards in the front and back, segregated cages, etc. This was all required because at Buena Vista the highest security threat level prisoners were loaded up to ride with us. It was a 1.5 hour drive over to Cell House 5 located at the Territorial Prison in Canon City, CO. 

I wrote a lot about Cell House 5 during my first few blog posts. It's the oldest prison west of the Mississippi. It looks identical to what you would imagine a prison to look like - imagine Alcatraz, Shawshank or The Green Mile. Billy the Kid was a prisoner there. It consists of multiple floors of 10'x8' barred cells. It's absolutely wild inside because it is essentially a crossroads for prisoners who are headed out to their ultimate destinations. It is extremely loud inside of the prison because there are no doors to the cells - just bars - and guys talk, scream and fight ALL NIGHT. And if the prisoners don't keep you up, the rats will. It's a terrible place and I did not enjoy spending the night there. However, there was some joy in knowing that I was headed back through the system instead of out to one of the prisons - for the second night in a row, I didn't sleep at all. 

The next morning I was so exhausted from going 2 nights with no sleep. Normally, you'd get the opportunity to sleep on the bus but the handcuffs make that nearly impossible. We left Cell House 5 and made our way to Colorado Springs where we started dropping off inmates at different prison facilities. It was surreal to be back this close to home, seeing things I recognized and hadn't seen in nearly 9 months. After making multiple stops, we finally started heading towards Denver. We pulled into the Denver metro area at around 2 pm. They were taking those of us going to halfway houses to an old army base called Camp George West located in Golden, CO. In order to get there we had to take the 470 Freeway which passes within 3 miles of our home, my stomping grounds. I felt like I was in a dream as we drove down the freeway, past my office, the LDS Temple, familiar date night restaurants - I'd been praying and dreaming about this ride for a long time and it was all so suddenly happening. It was hard to come so close to my real life without being able to stop and smell the roses. However, I found myself overflowing with emotion, particularly gratitude for what was happening. An hour later we arrived at Camp George West where they took off my handcuffs for the last time ( I can promise you that). They informed us that our respective halfway house vans would be there to pick us up sometime in the next few hours and just like that the bus was gone. There were 8 of us who were headed to halfway houses - and we all stood there, dumbfounded that we no longer required guard supervision - it was an awesome feeling.  

There were only 2 of us headed to the Centennial Community Transition Center. After a couple hours of waiting, a van showed up and picked us up. Within minutes we were cruising through the downtown Denver area headed towards Centennial. The van pulled up at the house (it actually looks more like a small hospital), the doors opened and we unloaded. And for the first time in 9 months, I was halfway to being a fully liberated human. And it felt good. 


Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC

Hope Is A Good Thing...

The news felt like the most beautiful, perfect dream interrupting the most terrible of nightmares. On Tuesday, October 9th, my case manager announced my name over the prison PA system summoning me for a meeting. I made the walk across the yard to his office and sat down. As the words came out of his mouth my entire world slipped into slow motion-surely what he was telling me wasn't for real. 

"Congratulations Mr. Stephens, you have been accepted to the halfway house." And just like that, almost as quickly as it all began-my time in prison was over.

I hurried to the pay phone and dialed up the numbers that lead me to Sallie. Seconds later she was on the other end listening to the news. Fittingly enough, she was with one of our dearest friends, Debbie (Huber) Jones who've we've known since middle school. Debbie, her husband Mike, his brother Garrett and his wife Stacy, have been been right there since this began and so supportive of our family throughout this whole ordeal-so it was so perfect for one of them to be with Sallie as I passed on the news. Sallie's response summed it all up, "finally, it's over."

My fellow inmates were all excited to hear the news as well. But the fact is, it can be awkward to be leaving when so many of my friends remain. Almost every one of the other members of our fire team are waiting for any word on their future status. As it stands right now, 6 of the 20 members of our team are leaving in the next month. 13 of the other 14 are waiting on news. Every one of our cases is unique and there are many factors that will determine what happens next for everyone.

The next morning, October 10th, which happened to be Sallie's and my anniversary, I received word that I was leaving the following Tuesday. We were expecting a 6-8 week wait-it turned out to only be 6 days. The whole process of trying to get into the halfway house was miraculous-God's hand was visible at every step in the process-we are so grateful. What it really means is that by the time you are all reading this post, I'll be out of prison-and living within ten miles of my family. I'll be able to go back to work, attend church and hopefully within 90 days-I'll move back home permanently.

Stokey and I took our last run together this morning-I couldn't help but feel a little sentimental as we jogged our six miles one last time. It's so hard to properly portray what Stokey's friendship has done for me-it's safe to say that without his help, I would not have made the SWIFT team-and if I didn't make the team, there's no telling how everything ends up working out. Ironically enough, Stokey is applying to the same halfway house as me. Because everyone's situations are different, some take longer than mine. I hope his is not too long. 

Our last run together was just like our first-in a snowstorm. There was a time, about seven months ago, where I hated everything about running on that track with him. But as we jogged, I knew that I would miss working out on that dirt track-high in the mountains above Rifle, Colorado. It was on this track that I conditioned my body to withstand the rigors of firefighting. I'll never forget the blood, sweat and tears (now) that I shed on that track to make my time in prison pass quicker. 

As we finished our run, there were seven new guys standing there getting ready to run. I realized they were there to train for my spot on SWIFT. Stokey and Cheapshot told me to be the pacer for them. I looked at these seven new guys and I couldn't help but reflect back to the days when I was running, or trying to run that mile and a half in 12:00 minutes. I failed so many times, and when I did qualify it was by 1 second! As I paced these new recruits around the track it was absolutely impossible to hold back the tears - what stories the dirt on that track could tell... 

One of the more interesting points about leaving Rifle will be that over a two day period I will travel back through the same  facilities that I was housed in on the way here-even the really scary ones. The way the Colorado Department of Corrections transportation works is similar to a subway line-and Rifle is at the end of the line. So I will ride buses and vans back through the system until I arrive back in the Denver Metro area. Once I'm there the halfway house will come and pick me up. 

For those of you familiar with the Denver area, I'll be located near the Broncos practice facility in Dove Valley. That's only about one mile or two from our Spartan office and about 10 miles from my house. The halfway house is meant to help prisons transition back into "real life" after incarceration. Depending on how they handle the transition, it is possible to leave the house after a minimum of 90 days so I've heard and then move into you own place. As I mentioned, I'll be able to spend much more time with my family (sports, church, etc.) but will have to sleep at the halfway house every night-but will be able to earn leisure time and weekend passes. But "prison" as I know it, is over-265 days were more than enough for me.

I fully intend to continue to write on the blog. From what I've heard about the halfway house environment, I'll have plenty of stories to write about. As it stands right now, I've got another 10 months before I'm eligible for parole-so as far as the State of Colorado is concerned, prisoner #179321 is still on the active roster.

Sallie and I are overwhelmed with emotion. We felt at times like this day may never come-there were no guarantees. I wish that I could say that I never doubted that my Heavenly Father cared about our situation. There were some very, very dark days-even as late as last week, I was left wondering if any of our prayers were being heard. I know better than that-I could write pages and pages about the blessings that we've received over the past three years. That's the tricky part about faith, when we aren't getting what we are asking and hoping for, it overshadows all the good that is surrounding and carrying us during our trials. I never noticed all the blessings pouring over me, until well after the fact-something I need to get better at.  

To quote one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies (that now means even more because it's from the Shawshank Redemption). 

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

I hope the lights of Denver are as beautiful as I remember them. I hope that I am returning there as a better man. I hope I never forget everything I have learned. I hope I always remember to be humble. I hope I always remember to be "tough as hell and kind as Christ". I hope I'll never forget everything God has done for me. I hope I'll never forget how amazing my wife and kids are. I hope I'll always be grateful for such great friends and to be one back. I hope steak is as good as I remember it. I hope my dog Zeus remembers me. 

And so began the next chapter of our lives....

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC

Into The Deep

October 10th is usually one of the highlights of my year-it's the day that Sallie and I were married. It's so hard to believe that it's been 18 years since those two lovesick kids got married. This coming December will mark 24 years since I first kissed her in the back of my best friend's Explorer. With the exception of my two year LDS Church mission in Romania and my current 9 months in prison, we've been by each other's sides since we were 15 years old. I can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of the extremes between the two times we've been apart.

Sallie and I got married on a bye week while I was playing football at BYU. Our reception was in Logan, where we both grew up. Sallie's mom put it all together, it was absolutely magical.

October 19 is my oldest daughter Maggie's birthday. She will be 17-something that I'm having a really hard time wrapping my mind around. Everyone warned Sal and I how fast our kids would grow up-and that cliche statement has become our reality. 

As we've told you, Maggie decided to do a study abroad of sorts, in Logan where she is living with her Uncle Bouk, Aunt Hailey and their two boys. (Bouk is Sallie's brother as well as one of my partners in Spartan.) Maggie has loved it there-especially being surrounded by family and close family friends. Both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends..it's been good for her. Sal and I are both so happy that Maggie is happy but deep down it breaks both of our hearts to not have all of us under one roof. I regret that at a bare minimum, I will have missed her whole junior year of high school.

October 24 will be our only son Jack's birthday. I'm so proud of Jack, he has had to become the man of the house without me being there. I hate that this whole situation has forced that upon him as a 13 year old boy. Sallie told me the other day that she left something on in one of the cars so the battery was dead. Jack jumped it for her and I was so proud that he remembered how to do it. I had showed him a couple times, and even more proud that he remembered. When I talked to Jack he told me that he just looked it up on YouTube..well at least I taught him to be resourceful! He's always going above and beyond to take care of his mom and his sisters, I know he watches Sunday football with his mom just so he can help her manage her fantasy football team. I'm so proud of the man he is becoming-even with a broken leg and crutches, he is doing what he can to take care of his mom and sisters.

My other babies- Navy and Elizabeth don't have birthdays this month, I missed both while in here, that was tough on me. They've also both had situations in the past few weeks that made me heartbroken that I haven't been there to be a Dad.

These past few weeks have been mentally tough for me. The end of the fire season has left me with long stretches of free time-even after trying to fill my days with working out, reading, and writing. Gray, rain-soaked days have compounded the depressive boredom as we wait for any encouraging news on being accepted to the halfway house. As I approach the nine month mark of being incarcerated, I'm often left hearing the judge's words, "this sentence will cause collateral damage in your life" echoing in my mind. I'm left contemplating how much damage can be done when a husband and a dad can't be there to support his family?

It's when I have these harrowing thoughts of depression and anxiety that I am so grateful for the beaming ray of light that is the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I'm tempted to give into the idea that no one could possibly understand my current plight-it's too unique, too complicated, too irreversible. But the truth is that Christ has felt all of our pains and he alone can help us overcome. 

I realize that sounds too simple, and simplified. I've heard it  my entire life and always knew it, but never had it really apply to me. I am telling you, after everything I have been through, everything I have felt, everything I have feared, and being at the lowest point in my life, it's where I have found out what I have always believed. It's a dark place to be, but I found my beliefs on a level I have never known. It's brought me to the place I am today, and as you have read in my early posts, I never, ever thought I would make it to today.

I was reading a book called the "Standard of Truth" this week about early Mormon Church history. I was reminded about just how difficult those early days were for so many of our pioneers. One quote that stuck out to me was one that I quoted on an earlier post, it was an answer to the Prophet Joseph Smith's prayer where he questioned why he and so many others were being put through so many trials-

"If thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way, and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son Of Man that descended below them all. Art thou greater than He?

Knowing that I have a Savior who has descended below everything gets me through these dark days. I pray every night that the collateral damage invoked by this earthly judge will be overpowered by my spiritual advocate. I have the faith that it will. 

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Centennial Community Transition Center 

18 YEARS

Today is our 18 year anniversary. I loved everything about that day, and I wouldn't change anything since. Good and bad, he is meant for me. That being said, I have been dreading this day for the last few weeks. Monday was rough, I skipped my workout and stayed in bed as long as I could before my kids started to think something was really wrong...just putting off dealing with another day of waiting. 

Tuesday, I skipped my workout again for the same reason. I knew I was going to have my friends and coaches texting me because unless I'm out of town, I don't know the last time I skipped two days in a row. I texted them and told them I would be there today so I had to show up. 

I was meeting my friend Debbie at Nordstrom for lunch so I told Brandon to call me around 1:30. Deb and I had lunch and had started shopping when Brandon called. I didn't think anything about it and picked up. Deb was looking at some leggings and as soon as I heard his voice I could feel something was different. Within the first few sentences I heard, "I've been accepted for community corrections!" 

I must've said or had a look on my face that made Debbie nervous because she asked what he said. I'll never forget putting my phone on speaker and repeated it as we were standing there in the middle of the Lingerie/sleepwear department hugging and quietly screaming! It was unreal, I couldn't wrap my mind around it and I was so surprised to hear it but especially from him! I thought I would know before he would. 

Deb and I were ecstactic,  I was so happy she was there with me when I found out, she grew up with both Brandon and I so it was all the more special since she loves him almost as much as I do. :) He didn't know any other details than that but it was enough. With our anniversary being the next day, it was perfectly welcomed timing.

This morning, I got up with a smile on my face and hurried to the gym where I told all my friends he had been accepted. These people have been the best therapy I could have, keeping me accountable and making me push myself everyday throughout this 3 year ordeal. I will never be able to thank them enough for supporting me, making me laugh and almost cry during some of those awful workouts that are so good for me physically, but mentally and emotionally for sure. They have saved me these last 8 1/2 months.

I have always known it's just a matter of time that this entire nightmare would come to an end. Everyday I wondered if today would be the day as far as Brandon no longer being in Rifle. Everyday has come and gone without any news, so when Brandon called me to say happy anniversary, then asked if I wanted the good or the bad news first, I froze. I was about to empty the trash can and I just stopped, I told him I can't take any bad news, please don't tell me. He laughed and said I had to choose, so I told him to tell me the bad news. He said he won't be able to spend the day with me for our anniversary but  that he is being moved on Tuesday, next week! I was stunned, this was truly the absolute the best anniversary present I have ever received, I am still in disbelief. He will be here next week around us, aside from sleeping here, our life will be somewhat back to normal and I could not be happier. 

I never thought I would be able to post on here that it has finally happened, he really is coming home. I have been so scared to hope, I have prepped myself so much for bad news, I couldn't even really comprehend good news! It's actually really hard for me to put into words, I have been so afraid to get my hopes up for fear of feeling that familiar heartbreaking, bullet to my heart. I have been guarding it, I sort of feel numb, and maybe I won't break down with tears of joy and gratitude until he is actually standing in front of me in plain clothes, his clothes. I can't imagine it but I know by this time next week, he will be 20 minutes from me. It's just like high school again, follow specific rules.... I can do that, I've done it before, 20 years ago! 

I don't know how long he will have to stay there, we've heard 90 days but we really don't know. I am just going to focus on the fact that he is here. He can't sleepover but other than that, our bigger than life husband and Dad will be back in our lives.

I am so grateful for so many things for so many reasons.  I'm sure this post is all over the place because that is exactly how I feel. I haven't touched his clothes since he left, and now it doesn't seem so depressing to pack him a suitcase full of clothes and a real, full sized toothbrush! The little luxuries in life are truly appreciated.

My kids are grinning from ear to ear. They are so excited for Maggie to come next weekend with Bevin,  Sara and their kids. We are so excited we don't have to drive to Rifle anymore to see Brandon, I will miss seeing the people there that I have come to know. The kids know we will be having lots of company as people have already been asking when they can come and see him...the holiday season is going to be full of so much love and true, true joy!

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC