Into The Deep

October 10th is usually one of the highlights of my year-it's the day that Sallie and I were married. It's so hard to believe that it's been 18 years since those two lovesick kids got married. This coming December will mark 24 years since I first kissed her in the back of my best friend's Explorer. With the exception of my two year LDS Church mission in Romania and my current 9 months in prison, we've been by each other's sides since we were 15 years old. I can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of the extremes between the two times we've been apart.

Sallie and I got married on a bye week while I was playing football at BYU. Our reception was in Logan, where we both grew up. Sallie's mom put it all together, it was absolutely magical.

October 19 is my oldest daughter Maggie's birthday. She will be 17-something that I'm having a really hard time wrapping my mind around. Everyone warned Sal and I how fast our kids would grow up-and that cliche statement has become our reality. 

As we've told you, Maggie decided to do a study abroad of sorts, in Logan where she is living with her Uncle Bouk, Aunt Hailey and their two boys. (Bouk is Sallie's brother as well as one of my partners in Spartan.) Maggie has loved it there-especially being surrounded by family and close family friends. Both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends..it's been good for her. Sal and I are both so happy that Maggie is happy but deep down it breaks both of our hearts to not have all of us under one roof. I regret that at a bare minimum, I will have missed her whole junior year of high school.

October 24 will be our only son Jack's birthday. I'm so proud of Jack, he has had to become the man of the house without me being there. I hate that this whole situation has forced that upon him as a 13 year old boy. Sallie told me the other day that she left something on in one of the cars so the battery was dead. Jack jumped it for her and I was so proud that he remembered how to do it. I had showed him a couple times, and even more proud that he remembered. When I talked to Jack he told me that he just looked it up on YouTube..well at least I taught him to be resourceful! He's always going above and beyond to take care of his mom and his sisters, I know he watches Sunday football with his mom just so he can help her manage her fantasy football team. I'm so proud of the man he is becoming-even with a broken leg and crutches, he is doing what he can to take care of his mom and sisters.

My other babies- Navy and Elizabeth don't have birthdays this month, I missed both while in here, that was tough on me. They've also both had situations in the past few weeks that made me heartbroken that I haven't been there to be a Dad.

These past few weeks have been mentally tough for me. The end of the fire season has left me with long stretches of free time-even after trying to fill my days with working out, reading, and writing. Gray, rain-soaked days have compounded the depressive boredom as we wait for any encouraging news on being accepted to the halfway house. As I approach the nine month mark of being incarcerated, I'm often left hearing the judge's words, "this sentence will cause collateral damage in your life" echoing in my mind. I'm left contemplating how much damage can be done when a husband and a dad can't be there to support his family?

It's when I have these harrowing thoughts of depression and anxiety that I am so grateful for the beaming ray of light that is the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I'm tempted to give into the idea that no one could possibly understand my current plight-it's too unique, too complicated, too irreversible. But the truth is that Christ has felt all of our pains and he alone can help us overcome. 

I realize that sounds too simple, and simplified. I've heard it  my entire life and always knew it, but never had it really apply to me. I am telling you, after everything I have been through, everything I have felt, everything I have feared, and being at the lowest point in my life, it's where I have found out what I have always believed. It's a dark place to be, but I found my beliefs on a level I have never known. It's brought me to the place I am today, and as you have read in my early posts, I never, ever thought I would make it to today.

I was reading a book called the "Standard of Truth" this week about early Mormon Church history. I was reminded about just how difficult those early days were for so many of our pioneers. One quote that stuck out to me was one that I quoted on an earlier post, it was an answer to the Prophet Joseph Smith's prayer where he questioned why he and so many others were being put through so many trials-

"If thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way, and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son Of Man that descended below them all. Art thou greater than He?

Knowing that I have a Savior who has descended below everything gets me through these dark days. I pray every night that the collateral damage invoked by this earthly judge will be overpowered by my spiritual advocate. I have the faith that it will. 

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Centennial Community Transition Center