After 39 days, we spotted Sasquatch

Brandon has been telling me I need to tell my side, my version of this whole debacle. I keep telling him I will, but I have been avoiding it as I'm not sure I am ready to open that part of my heart just yet. It has been the hardest month I have ever had in my 39 years. Mostly because I have felt so scared for so long.  

The first couple of weeks were some of my darkest and most agonizing days I have ever experienced. When Brandon was able to finally call me after the lockdown (that I had no idea was happening) was lifted,I felt a weight lift from me, I felt like I could finally take a deep breath without breaking out into a sob I could not control. Trying to keep it together for my children was exhausting and sometimes, overwhelming. I knew they would be watching everything I said and everything I did so I had to figure it out and fast. When all I really wanted was my sister, my dad, my mom, my brothers, to save me from it all.

The day of the sentencing we were both nervous but both felt eerily peaceful, it was hard for me to reconcile. I remember as we drove there I could hardly talk because tears just kept streaming down my face, I don't even know why, nothing had happened yet. When we arrived and got out of the truck, Brandon grabbed my arm and pulled me to him and hugged me and asked for a kiss as we starting walking towards the courthouse. I pulled back and pushed him away and told him I would kiss him afterwards when we were going home together. I told him to quit being so negative and that everything was going to be fine. I distinctly remember his face as I said that..a forced smile with sadness in his eyes. 

As it turned out, I wasn't able to give him that kiss that I regret to this day. Why wouldn't I kiss him? He was right there, asking me, almost pleading. Looking back, he needed me to comfort him, not a lecture. What a fool I was. The judge wouldn't let us say goodbye to each other, I still remember the look on his face as he looked back at me as he was being handcuffed. My heart has never felt a piercing like it did at that moment, and since that day I still feel a dull ache. Maybe its in my head, but its there. 

Adulting was something I had to dig deep to find in myself for the sake of Brandon because I couldn't muster the strength to do it myself. I knew I had to figure out how I was going to get out of bed (and stay out of bed) and do what I had to do for our kids, because that was the real tragedy of this... 4 children being separated from their bigger than life Dad. So, with that said, I will have to bring myself to do another hard thing, go back and relive those first few weeks, but for now I am going to smile as I tell you about how good it felt to finally see Brandon, aka 179321 after 39 days!

I suppose I tell you all of this because seeing Brandon today was what my heart needed. I needed to see his face, look in his eyes and see that he is really alright, and to be with him. We talk daily and we tell each other we are good if each other is good..today I saw it in his eyes that he is alright and he will do what he has to do to get back home to me and the kids. 

Earlier this week I had called Brandon's case worker to make sure we were cleared to come and see Brandon this weekend. Jason, Brandon's brother was flying in from Madrid, Spain for work and was going to come see us and Brandon since he was in the States for the week. I was told they couldn't find our paperwork and all I could do not to cry was to laugh, I just couldn't believe it. His case worker must have been able to hear right through my laugh because she said she would get back to me and let me know if we could come. I finally got a call Friday afternoon saying we were cleared..I told her they must have figured I would show up regardless of being cleared or not! It wasn't luck that got us cleared in time to see Brandon today while Jason happened to be here. Brandon had finally arrived in Rifle on Tuesday, February 27th and it takes 10 days to be cleared for visiting, we were thrilled and by getting cleared to visit him, we saw our first little miracle.

Jack had 2 basketball games Saturday night, 6:30 and 7:30 so we headed up to Rifle afterwards.  We got to the hotel around 11p and the kids were out as soon as they laid down. I didn't sleep much, I was excited, anxious, and frankly, scared to see Brandon. I just didn't know if he would be his outgoing, charming self or if he would be different. Maybe sad, jaded, or just off after all he has been through this past month. It was a long night of over thinking.

We got to the facility at 9:00 in the morning and it wasn't anything close to what I had been imaging. No fences, gates, guards, steel doors, metal detectors, nothing like that. The officers there were so kind and patient as I brought everything you basically are not allowed to bring in. It is very low key and low security but I guess homemade chocolate chip cookies can be laced with various drugs..who knew?! He can have any store bought unopened candy or food with the receipt. Anyone who knows me knows that is laugh out loud funny that I would ever have a receipt for anything. Other than the unopened food, only our ID and cash was allowed to be brought in. No purse, jewelry, liquids or phones. They used a wand to check for who knows what but no pat downs, that was it.

 When they called Brandon down, I thought I was going to cry. I was walking around waiting for him to come to the visitors center and trying to act calm and collected. Suddenly, I hear a huge bellow of a laugh and I turn to see my kids run to their Dad, hugging him so tight all together almost causing him to fall. Then, he and Jason hugged, I could see how happy these brothers were to see each other, it was so sweet. 

I didn't care who was watching, what rules I was breaking, I was hugging and kissing and hugging and kissing him as much as I could until my kids said, "okay" in what seemed in unison. It took me back to when he got home from his 2 year LDS mission in Romania 20 years ago, I was finally with him again.

There isn't anything to do other than sit in a big room with vending machines and 10 or so table with chairs around them, a tv with a vhs/dvd player as well as a cabinet with a few games. The kids found some playing cards, so I beat Jack and Elizabeth in few mean games of speed. Navy, Jack, Brandon and I played a couple rounds of battleship against Jason and Elizabeth (who I'm sure cheated somehow). Maggie had a soccer tournament this weekend in Arizona so unfortunately she wasn't able go come with us. Brandon was glad she went, he doesn't want the kids' lives interrupted by weekend visits.

Time flew by as we ate lunch and by 2:00, it was snowing pretty good so we decided we had better get on the road.

I knew saying goodbye was going to be tough for me. Brandon always says something to avoid having to actually say goodbye. He hates doing it, and I understand why. He hugged the kids and Jason, and I knew he was going to say something to make me smile, give me a big hug, kiss me and then walk away...and sure enough, he did just that. Of course it was so very hard to leave him.  I was going home with my kids and our home. He was going back to his plain, sterile looking building where he lives with my replacement for the next few months. 

It took us 5 1/2 hours to get home from Rifle with the traffic and snow storm. I'm exhausted but I am happy. I am happy as I type this because even though I had to leave him back in Rifle, there is no doubt he is coming home to me. I'm going to get through those moments when I feel sorry for myself, when I am angry and spiteful because that will just make my soul ugly and I do not want Brandon coming home and not recognizing his wife. 

Life is so beautiful, it certainly isn't perfect but that's what makes it so amazing. I have so many good people in my life. My children, my parents, my sister, my brothers, their spouses (that I don't have to pretend I enjoy) inlaws, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, grandparents, our friends and my husband whom I love more than ever. 

Love isn't just something we feel when life is good and convenient. Love is what sustains us through the hardest moments and trials we face. Life can make love easy but it also makes us have to work hard and fight for it. I’ve been through both, and I would do it again. 

 I choose to see the love that has surrounded my family since Brandon has been gone and none of the negative or gossip. It's humbling to see people really show the love and support they have for us. 

I have never had to pray for help like I have now. I have gone through the motions like a good girl, my life has pretty much just hummed along. I have always known it was right to pray and thank my Heavenly Father for all the blessings in my life, big and small. Even the ones I take for granted on a daily basis. 

Since January 24, I pray differently. It's no longer going through the motions. I need His help, I need to put that faith I have heard preached all my life to work. How pitiful that it took me losing my husband's freedom to thank my Heavenly Father for mine? 

I am sure after today that this nightmare I am living is going to make my husband better, my children more aware of others and their trials, more compassionate and kinder. I hope that all happens for me, even if I have to fight to get there. I know there are angels surrounding me and my family, I can feel it. Both seen and unseen and I know that I am being watched over, as is Brandon. I have more faith in my faith because, I had to dig down deep to find it. 

So many people ask about the kids and how they are doing, I am telling you they are remarkable. There is no doubt they are hurting as they miss their dad but they have shown more strength and faith than I ever imagined. We are being watched over, prayed for and loved. Although I can still feel that dull ache in my heart, my heart is so full tonight. 

Thanks to all, I wish you all could know how grateful we are. The amount of love Brandon has felt through numerous emails and letters, some 100+ letters is just skimming the surface. These Angels I am telling you, you all don't even realize you are one of them.

~ Sallie💙

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas