Half a Year & A Change for Maggie💔

I don't like living my life by time markers, it's depressing. But today is big because it's been six months since sentencing day. A half year since my husband hasn't been home, a half year we have had to figure out a new normal and a half year since my heart was broken. It is also the day that one of my dear friends is throwing a "moving away" party for Maggie.

Maggie is moving to Utah this weekend and is going to live with my brother, his wife and their two boys. Maggie will be a junior this year and after alot of conversations, prayers and even more praying; moving is what she needs right now. My heart is breaking a bit more today as many of her friends will be gathering tonight to give her hugs, love and well wishes. It's another difficult conundrum for me letting her go. Maggie has always been mature, very helpful and responsible. I readily admit I have taken advantage of this and in doing so, she has lost a bit of her teenage self and has become more of my nanny, driver, co-parent, and friend than a teenage girl.

I have seen her watching me for any sign of breaking down, anger, happiness and every other unstable emotion I have on a daily basis. I am so grateful for how in tune she is to me, but I also have watched her slowly remove herself from everything she used to love. Soccer, friends, activities, dating... she even told me a group of friends were sneaking out to cross it off their bucket list, but she didn't feel up to it. I had to tell her that it's not considered sneaking out if you tell your mom, and I was kindof sad she didn't want too. See how screwed up things are? What mom thinks it's sad their child doesn't want to sneak out?!

It isn't so much the sneaking out as it is she is so busy worrying for me, she is losing herself and that is something Brandon and I are terrified of happening. One day when I was asking her if she is okay, if she is happy, she broke down and simply said no. She specifically said that her cousin is going to be a senior and she wants to be around him before life takes him away. It was one of the sweetest yet saddest thing I have ever heard her say. Maggie is a daddy's girl and out of all the kids, has really missed the presence of her Dad the most. Her age, her maturity, and her confidence is at a critical age and being around my Dad, her uncles will be really good for her. She needs them right now and I am so very grateful every uncle and aunt that have offered to let her stay with them. I am so blessed that my kids are so loved and when one of them needed some extra love and attention, every family member has stepped up and offered anything and everything.

It's interesting how each of the kids has handled this, all in their own ways and all doing really well. With Maggie being able to tell us she needs a change, I was truly devastated and yet so proud of her for telling me what she needs. One of the things I said to the judge exactly six months ago, was how the importance of a father in both boys and girls affects them throughout their lives. My kids have such a good dad and he has such a special, unique relationship with each one of them. He adores his 3 girls and his boy, and oh how they need him and no matter how good of a mom I am or try to be, I cannot replace what their father brings to their lives. I hope that if he didn't hear anything I said, he at least heard that.

I have never second guessed myself more than I have these past six months. I always ask myself what Brandon would do..and I try to do it most of the time. It's liberating to say we have made it to six months, it's like a pat on the back because I never, ever thought I would make it here. It sounds dramatic I know, but although the good days do outnumber the bad, the bad is bad and sometimes I have doubted if I can do it another day. Watching my kids learn how to live without their dad, me living without him is unyieldingly difficult.

I often wonder what our life would look like today had things gone in our favor. I like to torture myself I suppose. Yet, I always find myself thinking we wouldn't be nearly as grateful for each other, our life, our children, for the daily mundane ways of life had we not been separated. Maybe I would be bitter for the interruption, the stress, the fear etc... and Brandon would probably be wishing he was in jail! Yet as I continue to wade through the waters of the unimaginable, it still doesn't feel like my life is really real. I'm wading in a river of denial I suppose.

I have a new perception and appreciation for life and every person in it. Good or bad actually because I am much more aware of kindness, goodness and what a difference it makes. Coaches who embrace and love my kids, teachers, friends, teammates, family..it's something my kids talk about, notice and appreciate. The disappointments, we have all learned how to handle it and it is what it is.

I am forever going to remember this day as a half year of living without Brandon and the day our Colorado family says goodbye to my Maggie. She had so many friends show up tonight and I was so happy to see her genuinely smiling. I see so much of Brandon in Maggie's eyes, she is so much like her dad in so many ways. Brandon mentioned she might not ever live under the same roof as him again; I told him just wait until she's married...we all come back at some point :)

All I know is we are doing what we feel is best and making the best of it. Our oldest is moving to where we grew up. She will be around friends we grew up with who have become family, our families, and she will probably meet some of our teachers and coaches who loved us despite all the drama of teenage love we put them through.

I have a long way to go in understanding all of this, but I have learned so much about myself, people, humility and faith. It's a progression and everyday I want to skip any step I can but I can feel myself taking a deep breath again. I am trying to understand how to have more faith and apply it, and how to handle disappointments without losing it; it's hard and I am not good at it. I am just so thankful that my kids love me and that they are alot better at this than me. I have learned so much from them. Adults tend to give themselves too much credit, that we have so much to teach our children. What I have learned these past six months is that they have so much to teach us.

Maggie's moving away party is fitting as it's happening on this day. My friend has no idea what a heaven sent angel she is for me, especially today. A celebration for so many reasons, and six months of learning how to rely on our Heavenly Father in ways I never knew how. I try to make sense of answers and unanswered prayers, having enough faith, or learning how to exactly have more of it. I wouldn't blame God for giving up on me, I frustrate myself and for every step forward I feel like I take 3 steps back. I feel really hopeful some days, and then I wonder if my hope is naive and just my desperate attempt to survive. I miss being able to ask Brandon all my spiritual questions, he's probably loving the break...despite all my confusion and second guessing my faith and hopeful feelings, I think about all of it alot more. I am still full of flaws but I am much more aware of others and how life changes change us.

Happy six months as an inmate Pumpkin, I am so proud of you and everything you are. Life isn't nearly as good without you in it everyday. This reset in our lives is going to be the best thing for us. We will never look at life the same and I am so very grateful for that. It's only a matter of time until you're back where you belong and that day cannot come soon enough, until then our kids and I will be missing you.