5 MONTHS TODAY

Today marks five months since Brandon's sentencing. To so many time has gone fast, for us it's hard to say. Some days time has been flying, but on others, the hours drag on. There are days where I just count down until I can go to bed.  I am so proud of us for surviving these 5 months and I'm so sad my kids have had to live without him this long. I'm sure I sound crazier than normal, but I don't know how else to describe it.

Last Thursday I had emailed a request to visit the following Monday knowing Sunday was going to be the day he was traveling back to Rifle. The kids and I were heading to Utah for a few weeks so it was perfect timing as we headed to Rifle Sunday evening. I didn't have a guarantee we would be able to see him but I was optimistic. As it turned out, we weren't able to see him and I was surprisingly emotional about it. I know it's hard for the staff at the facility to get a special visit arranged but I was so disappointed and then to have my kids watching me break down, it was awful. I am usually really good about keeping it together, but not this time.

As it would go, we headed to Utah and Brandon was still in Rifle as of Friday. So with Maggie and Jack up at the Ranch, I decided to head back to Rifle to see him Saturday. My poor girls, Navy and Elizabeth wanted to see him but had enough of driving for a week so they went to stay at Brandon's parents for the couple of days I was gone. I left Friday and found myself in the same hotel I had been at 4 days ago and I was thrilled knowing I would see him the next morning at 9am. I was so tired I don't even know what time I fell asleep but the next thing I know my phone was buzzing.

I saw it was Brandon and that it was 6:06 am. My stomach dropped and I knew he wasn't calling to say good morning. I answered and his voice gave him away immediately. "Hey Sal, this just isn't our week to see each other. We are heading out right now on a fire."

I don't really remember what I said, I know I didn't say much. I felt so bad for him, but felt even worse for myself. What were the chances? It was awful and I knew I was going to go another couple of weeks without hearing from him at all. The only positive of it was he was going out again and he would be busy and happy.

Brandon has a post coming, hopefully tomorrow, but I wanted to just post as today is another milestone. I keep telling myself I am lucky he will eventually be coming home but then I find myself feeling like this is a cruel form of torture. Everything I do, everywhere I go reminds me of him and that he's not here. I know, I know it could be worse but knowing he could be with us, it's a whole different kind of pain and a level of loneliness I have never known. Life goes on, people have their lives to live and own worries. I don't pretend to be the only one who has hard things going on, it's just hard to navigate alone. There is that feeling of just wishing he was here to help me handle things or to give me a hug and tell me it's going to be okay. That's what I really miss, I miss him hugging me. I miss alot of things but a real hug from him is what I need and crave.

Nothing about this is easy. I'm sure people are over this whole thing and tired of hearing about it or me talking about it. There are some who don't even ask about him at all and I'm not quite sure how to reconcile that. I get it, I'm sick of me too. I wish I didn't have anything to ask about! I am so tired of getting out of bed every morning and looking at the clock to see if I can go to bed yet. It is a miserable way to live, being my friend would be annoying, exhausting.  People keep saying, "you will find out who your true friends are." The thing is, I don't want too. I have been heartbroken by some and enheartend by others. It's a terrible thing to witness, I wish I didn't have to know. I don't know how to do this, it's my first time and I am just trying to keep my kids from becoming victims of my mishandling and my ignorance. I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of being sad and I'm tired of surviving. I keep telling myself that it'll get better so just hold on. Faith and hope have gone from being nouns to verbs, maybe they should have been this whole time. It is not lost on me that I may have pushed people away or handled things wrong, but never on purpose. I am doing my best and somedays my best is better than others. At the end of the day, I say my prayers and recognize that I do have so much to be thankful for, and for that reset everynight, I am grateful.

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