Rock Bottom...

 "And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." This quote is from JK Rowling - the author of the Harry Potter book series. And I have come to appreciate this quote more than ever... It's an interesting idea - building a solid foundation on rock bottom. As it turns out, the idea holds up in real-life applications. My entire professional career has been in and around construction. And whenever we are required to build something that requires a strong foundation - we excavate the hole deep enough so that there is a solid rock bottom on which to build the foundation. If you fail to build on a solid rock foundation, the structure will settle, which will cause cracks in the foundation, which can cause the foundation to fail - and once a foundation fails, everything that is resting on it will come tumbling down. My rock bottom came 11 months ago on January 24, 2018 - the day that I was sentenced to 5 years in prison. I've included a picture of me from that awful winter day - a mugshot. I look at this picture and try and remember what was going through my mind as the guards pushed down the button on the camera. A lot of those days are all a blur to me, but I can remember thinking to myself..."all is lost". By the time this mugshot was taken, my plight through the criminal justice system was already a media favorite in Weld County, Colorado so this was this icing on the cake. For years, all through my football career, I had always benefited from the media. But now, at my rock bottom, I wasn't prepared to accept the seemingly unfair part of the gig - the part where they show up to publicly document your mistakes, weaknesses and ultimate demise - all to sell a story. It was the thought of being blasted across newspapers and the internet that really made me feel like "all was lost". I wish that I could go back to that cold, dreary January day and slap myself upside the head and say - "ALL is not LOST - ALL is about to be FOUND"...

After sitting in that cold, dark prison cell for that first week, small bits of hope started trickling in. Because I could not use the phone, hope trickled into the prison in the form of letters. The first was a letter from Sallie and the kids - telling me how much they loved me. Then more letters from family, friends - even strangers expressing their support for me and my family. Over the coming months, God rained down blessings on us - I made the firefighting team, Sallie and the kids received so much help from so many people, my business partners stood by me and as the apparent weight of the entire world bore down on us - we bent but we did not break.

One of the reasons that the Brandon in this picture thought that "all was lost" was my pursuit of what I call "perceived perfection". For a good portion of my adult life I've lived with the idea that I needed to portray some level of perfection to the world. And when I say "world", it's almost as if I'm referring to some imaginary, virtual group of people that are just at the fringe of my life but not at all a part of it. After all, I could never portray any level of perfection to those who really know me - those who are closest to me would be very aware of my imperfections - and love me in spite of them. But there was always this idea, however ridiculous it now sounds to me, that my success and ultimate worth in this life was somehow determined by my portrayal of perfection to this virtual group of people. And so when the day came that I lost my ability to control the message of perfection to the "fringe people", in my mind, all had been lost.

One thing that I will takeaway from this whole experience is the knowledge that there is tremendous power in our imperfections. In fact, in a lot of ways, our imperfections and shortcomings make up a huge part of who we are. The power comes from knowing, understanding and then fixing our weaknesses. Eleven months ago I would have considered such a notion ridiculous - but there is a part of me that now finds gratitude in the fact that I lived out the results of my mistakes in such a public fashion. JK Rowling thought the same thing when she said, "I was set free because my greatest fear had been realized".

I'll never be able to be one of those people who tells you that "I don't care what people think about me". The truth is, as it stands today, there are a lot of people who fit in that category. But it's an entirely different group than it was a year ago. I've given up on the "virtual" people - I don't know why those imaginary people ever mattered to me at all. The people whose opinion matters most to me are those that know me best - those that would have never demanded perfection from me to begin with - the people in this picture with me - including Zeus. We are so happy in this picture - but we're not happy all of the time. We argue, don't clean up our own messes, we fight, pee where we shouldn't (Jack & Zeus), some of us go to prison, spend too much time on our phones, complain about going to church, despise school, work too many hours, spend too much money, need fake eyelashes - the list goes on. In short, we are a family full of imperfections - but believe me when I say...that is perfectly OK.

And so rock bottom became the solid foundation upon which I built the rest of my life..












Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

It has been 313 days since Brandon's sentencing was handed down. I have never had an experience with criminal court, or civil for that matter. I have always believed in our legal system and I still do for the most part but I do believe it failed Brandon. I have tried so hard to not be bitter or angry. So far, I have done pretty well. I would say the beginning of November I started to feel those resentful feelings.

Let me be clear, having Brandon in the half way house is wonderful. Being able to see him working again, living somewhat normal is what we have been hoping and praying for since January 24th. The thing is, it's hard. He's here but he's not. He can't quite be a dad and husband like he wants, like we want, when he isn't living here. I know that it's a matter of time, but isn't everything?

I find myself frustrated because before he moved to the halfway house, we had our new normal down. I knew he would call me every morning at 10:30 if he wasn't on a fire. Then he would call again around 8:00 to talk to the kids and say goodnight. Weekends were spent driving back and forth from Rifle. I knew my responsibilities and having him pretty much tell me how wonderful I am and how much he loves and misses me was actually really nice. I remember a few times when I was visiting him in Rifle, he would tell me all the wonderful, flattering things you see on a Hallmark movie. I would laugh and tell him how quickly he had blocked out all my faults. He thought I was perfect, my impatience, my lack of budgeting skills, being grumpy when I am tired (8:00pm) and/or hungry, stomping my foot to help make my point; all of that was cute and endearing. 

One time in particular, we were sitting outside and he was being his sweet self, the charming, appreciative husband telling me nothing but how perfect I was. I got annoyed and pulled my hand back from his. He laughed and asked what was wrong. When I began to cry, his eyes almost popped out of his head, he was so confused. I told him he is saying all these things and it's not me. I'm not a unicorn like he was saying, I am so far from perfect and I was scared that he was going to be so disappointed when he was finally home and reality hit him and suddenly, it all comes back. Not a unicorn, more like a raging, unmanageable bull.

So here we are and if you asked him about me, he'd laugh and shake his head. He'd never say anything bad about me but that's because he is such a good person. But reality came faster than a bull chasing a matador. Ha, I was right, I'm not nearly as endearing as he had remembered. Trying to be a couple in these circumstances is really, really hard. I can't call him and ask him to grab some milk on his way home, help me run the kids here or there, shop for Christmas gifts, go on a date or spend a weekend away together. Yet, he's here, but not. I just keep thinking this is silly, why not just let him move home and if he screws up, we know what's at stake. Seeing him so nervous about messing up one of the halfway house rules is so hard to watch. He's never done this before and with how extreme everything has been, he is scared that one mistake will send him straight back to Rifle. It's a terrible way to live but he's doing it and doing his best to accept it and get through it.

 On a positive note, Brandon was given time to come home for Thanksgiving. My parents were here along with my two younger brothers, their wives and boys. It wasn't everyone, unfortunately my older brother and older sister's families couldn't make it and although we really missed having them, it was the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. That day was all about Brandon being here around us and knowing his nephews didn't forget him. Just feeling normal again, even if it was only for six hours, it was perfect. 

Since then, I'm missing a normal life so badly. I want him leaving for work in the mornings, coming home for dinner, doing normal Dad stuff and going to bed in our bed only to wake up and repeat. Right now, it's close but so far away. I keep telling myself to hold on and remember there's a reason for it all, that we will be alright. Honestly, I am just tired of trying to rally myself. Both of us are trying to navigate this as best we can, but we aren't in our groove and it's tough not being in sync.

I'm ashamed because I now have what I have been praying for all year and I'm still asking Heavenly Father for more. He has got to be disgusted with me for seeming so ungrateful. I got what I wanted and yet it's not enough. Thing is, I am grateful and this is so much better that it was. Maybe the secret to life is all about appreciating the present, what I have right now today. If I would spend my energy on that instead of waiting/wanting for this or that, I'd be a better wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, etc. Ugh, it's depressing and overwhelming to think about. The phrase, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger..it's not true. Trying to survive may just turn you into someone you don't want to be. That is what I am trying to avoid right now, one foot in front of the other and remind myself to acknowledge and appreciate  he is here, my kids have their dad back and how much they adore being around him. His life is busy with work and catching up with everyone. I am happy for him yet I can't help but feel a little lost in his world. I have to figure out my new role and figure out how to focus on what I can control, and let the rest be. I want to be better because of all we've been through, and right now, I'm not quite there.


Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Centennial Community Transition Center