Grateful for the Little Things

Ty B (3) and his Uncle B (Undisclosed)

As it turns out, life outside of prison walls is much busier than I ever remembered. A month ago when I walked out of the Rifle Correctional Center,  I had some grandeous plans about tackling some of the world's biggest problems. But just like everyone else, I'm completely busy just handling my own issues. I suspect that we've all felt this way- right after making a New Year's resolution, coming away from an inspirational talk or committing to that diet just minutes after the Thanksgiving glutony guilt sets in... just as the last of those butter-filled mashed potatoes hit our stomachs. We've got all the motivation in the world for tackling that next big problem right up until we get distracted by many of the realities of life...maybe we can live with the hope that we'll get credit for our intentions at some magical future date...

Although I'm still nowhere near a "normal" life, this halfway life has turned out to be pretty amazing. I'm convinced more than ever that I am a creature of habit and routines make me comfortable. It has taken a solid month to fall into a routine at the halfway house and now that I'm there, things feel great. Because I'm not authorized to spend any time at home with my family, I am spending the majority of my time working. I work from 6:30 am to 8 pm every night. It has been awesome to be back in the office - even if I am working crazy hours. Sallie and the kids are able to stop by work to see me on a pretty regular basis - we sometimes eat dinner together and Sallie is able to pick me up and take me back to the halfway house to end each night. It's not ideal at all but it is such a better alternative to the nightly long-distance phone call that we have had to rely on for the past 9 months.

I did get permission to spend 6 hours at home for Thanksgiving and it was absolutely magical. Most of Sallie's family came into town and it was so great to get to spend time with them all. I love seeing my kids interact with their little cousins (my kids are more like aunts and uncles to them because of the age gap). I was able to spend some really good time with Sallie's parents. They have been involved in my life since I was fifteen years old so they could never be referred to as "in-laws". They are just as important to me as my own parents. The attached picture is of me and my little nephew Ty B - ironically enough, he was born 3 years ago to the day that all of my legal heartaches began. There were tough times when some of the only bright spots in my life were when he or his brother Scottie would give me hugs. Now three years later, when I hold him, I'm reminded of all the innocence and beauty this life holds. There are so many people - my wife, my kids, my extended family, my friends, business partners, so many of you...and my nephews... who will never quite understand just how grateful I am for the love and support that I have received through this incredibly difficult period of my life. It's impossible for you all to understand how serious I am when I say that I simply woudn't have made it without the love and support...it scares me to think how different things could have ended up.

After spending Thanksgiving with so many of the people that I love, it was a stark contrast, at the end of the night, to return to the halfway house. The vast majority of those in the house had not had the luxury of being able to spend the day with loved ones - primarily becuase they do not have people who love them. Some of them don't have loved ones because their decisions have eliminated them from their lives - others were born into a world where no one loves them - by no choice of their own. Either way, I couldn't help but turn my head and eyes slightly upwards in reverence to give thanks to my Heavenly Father that I do have people that love me. In a season that is built around the idea of being thankful, I hope that I will never forget how grateful I am to be loved. There may be nothing greater that we all take for granted than the simple principle of being loved. We go through our days seeking out things that we feel will bring us happiness often overlooking the most basic of human needs - to love and be loved. I have never been more aware of how lucky and blessed I am to have people that want me to be with them during the holidays. I've never been more grateful for the idea that families are eternal - and that no matter how unloved someone may feel - they have a God in the heavens that loves them unconditionally. And I have never been more grateful for the simple hug that a 3-year old boy could give his uncle. I hope I'll never forget how thankful I am for these little things - speaking both literally and figuratively, of course.

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas

Privilege

One of the hardest parts of incarceration, especially for someone who has never been in jail before, is relearning just how many of the things you do everyday are privileges. In the beginning it was things like being able to go for a walk, visit and talk with the people you love, eat whatever you were in the mood for, sleep in a comfortable bed, go to the store, choose who you live with, earn money, spend money, go outside whenever you feel like it...the list goes on. It was very hard for me to accept the fact that so many little things had been taken from me - things that I had never even considered significant were now front and center in my everyday thoughts - in that aspect, prison really is effective in teaching you just how good life is (or can be) for law-abiding members of society.

Being at the halfway house has been such a blessing in so many ways. I am able to see my family on a regular basis - although not in the setting that I would like. But as I've mentioned in my previous posts, there is something torturous about being so close to the life that you once knew without being able to fully engage in it. I love seeing my beautiful daughter Navy - but I hate not being able to go on walks with her. I love seeing my son Jack, but I hate not being able to play catch with him. I love holding my baby girl Elizabeth again, but I hate not being able to be home each night to help her with her homework. And of course, I hate being so far away from our daughter Maggie - I hate that she's so far away from us. And being back around Sallie has been the greatest thing of all - except for the fact that it's like we're back in high school again - parking lots and back seats are our dating venues.

It's also been eye-opening for me to see just how institutionalized I have become in the almost 10 months of being part of the system. While I was still in prison in Rifle, I would always tell myself that that I could never become an institutionalized person - it's just not in my personality.I'd see so many different people who would come to Rifle from higher level facilities and have a hard time with the relative freedom of a minimum level facility. I'd watch them struggle with being able to come and go out of their rooms at any time, they'd struggle trying to be respectful to the guards because they were so used to always fighting against them and they were always paranoid that other inmates were out to get them.

As I've began my reintroduction back into society, I occasionally find myself hesitating before I do some mundane task - because it was something that I needed permission to do while incarcerated. I am always plagued with a small bit of anxiety, no matter where I'm at, that I'm going to forget some small detail about checking-in, doing my chores, etc... that's going to result in me getting regressed back to prison. Sallie calls it my PTSD - I suspect that it will get better as I get more and more used to this new level of reality.

One thing that is clear about the halfway house - a lot of the guys just don't end up being to handle it. Just this week there have been 2 more guys who ran away, missed their check-in's and never came back. It's hard for me to comprehend why someone would go through all of the effort to qualify for the halfway house, only to run away once you got there. Running away from the facility is considered "escape" and will result in a  minimum of 3 additional years in prison. I don't think that they'll send SWAT Teams to find these guys but the next time they have an encounter with the law, they'll have a warrant out for their arrest and they'll start the cycle back all over again. And it won't be long until they do have that encounter with law enforcement - they aren't running away from the halfway house to go spend time with a traveling christian choir - but I've been wrong before...

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas