Life's Too Short

*Brandon called yesterday saying they got their first call on a fire. He was so excited but didn't know any details nor when he'd be able to call. 

They say that you become like the people you surround yourself with...this idea has and continues to be something I think about every single day here in prison-where it is pretty difficult to control who you are surrounded by. I'd like to think that I'm not someone who is easily changed by an environment but there are times where it's hard to see subtle changes in your behavior. I always appreciate visits from people so that I can test myself against the laws of relativity. 

I guess whether one is in prison or not, it's safe to say that it's the small and simple things that make a difference in who we are. If we fail to eat right and exercise, it may not matter today but ultimately, there will be consequences. It's the same with our spiritual, mental and emotional well-being. It's the same for our relationships-if we neglect the small things, they eventually become big things and big things are always harder to fix. I'm ashamed to admit that this week I screwed up and just writing about it causes my heart to hurt.

Prison is full of tough guys-some of them real, most of them fake. The environment dictates the need for a certain amount of macho behavior so that you can put off a sense of strength. Anyone who puts off any signs of weakness is vulnerable to the many dangers that are associated with prison. For the most part, my size has allowed me to not have to participate in the cat and mouse game of who is tough and who is not. I try and live by the same rules that I have always lived by-treat everyone kindly and with respect. There have only been a couple of times in here where I had to puff out my chest and play the game- and they were completely necessary and justified. But something I did this week has me questioning if I'm really doing everything I can to avoid becoming a tragedy of my environment.

Each week there are 6-10 inmates who leave this facility to move on to the next phase of their sentence. Likewise, 6-10 more inmates are brought here from another facility. This is the circle of life here in prison. 

At our facility, every single inmate is required to have a job- kitchen, laundry, grounds-crew, maintenance, fire, etc. So as inmates leave, positions are vacated and the new guys back-fill those positions. This week, one of the positions that was vacated was a laundry position and it was filled by a 21 year old kid nicknamed Bomber. Bomber filled the laundry position that was in charge of collecting all of our laundry bags each night and making sure that they get taken to laundry in a big bin. I've been in here long enough to see my fair share of 20-something year old's come and go. They are typically cocky as ever, gang affiliated, or wannabe's and are almost always disrespectful.

 As inmates walk by and throw their laundry in the bin, they are required to yell out an inmate specific laundry number. Bomber was doing his best to to keep up but it was obvious he was new. As I threw my number, "1-8-no-1-9" for some reason I had briefly forgotten my number and it caused me to stutter. In response to my stuttering, Bomber stuttered as he tried to repeat what numbers I had said. I took him stuttering back as him mocking me and it set me off. I got right up in his face and looked down at him and told him never to disrespect me again. As I stood over him, he twisted and wrenched his face which looked like a smirk to me- it just made me madder and I gave him a stare as I turned around and walked away mad as ever. For the next three days, every time I saw Bomber I made sure to let him know that I was watching him. His little mocking of me had really made me mad-and in here you don't let people disrespect you.

One evening, I was walking around the track with some guys and Bomber was walking in front of us. I found myself just seething with rage thinking about how he had acted towards me. I was going to confront him again but decided I wouldn't ruin my evening walk.

Later that night I was venting to my buddy Stokey about the whole situation and he told me I was completely overreacting and needed to let it go. He suggested that I go and just talk to Bomber and get things straightened out. I finally just went down to Bomber's room and knocked. He reluctantly opened the door and I immediately asked him, "Why were you so disrespectful to me the other day? What's wrong with you?" As I was spitting the words out, I could see in his eyes that he was scared of me and what I had to say to him. He tried to talk but I interrupted him and said again, "what's wrong with you?" I gave him a chance to respond and he stuttered, "I-I-I-I-ha-ha-have-cer-cer-bral-pa-palsy." As I heard the words stutter out of his mouth, my heart sank like it never has before - and tears welled up in my eyes. 

How could I have been so ignorant? My tender, beautiful daughter Navy's face flashed in my mind. All of the times that she has come home from school crying because someone had made fun of her in gym class because she couldn't run like everyone else. Why she can't jump rope, "why does she walk funny?", all these horribly stupid, cruel questions kids have asked her. My Navy would cry so many times because she wanted to be able to dance like other girls, play soccer like her sister, she just wanted to be "normal." As her Dad, it would rip my heart out hearing all those things. I remember the anger that I have felt towards these kids and wondered how humans could be so mean to each other; and yet there I stood, towering over a boy with cerebral palsy-intimidating him. I had been too mad over my pride being hurt to take the time that first night to understand that Bomber actually had a stuttering problem. I had been too caught up in myself as I walked behind him that night on the track to recognize the familiar subtle limp, twisted legs and moderate palsy that had always been apart of my sweet baby girl's life. I just kept thinking of Navy and how disappointed she would have been in her Dad, I was sick to my stomach.

What I couldn't see, but would later learn about, were the scars under his inmate pants. The tell-tale signs of years of corrective surgeries- all of which I was all too familiar with. I had held my baby girl Navy many times as she recovered from the same agonizing, painful surgeries. 

As I snapped back into the moment, I realized that Bomber was still staring at me in fear, waiting out the purpose of me being in his room. He flinched as I brought my hands up to grab him; there was nothing he could do to stop the madman who was now hugging him. For all Bomber knew about prison, I'm sure a hug from a very large man was no indication that he was out of the woods yet. But as I hugged him, I told him that I was so sorry and it was then that he really broke my heart with the words, "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'm-s-s-s-s-s-sor-sorry-t-t-too." After letting Bomber go from my giant embrace, I could slowly see the fear leave his eyes. He had survived his first prison altercation and the hug had not materialized into his worst fears. As he stepped back from me, he said something that I will never forget- "L-l-l-l-ife-i-i-is-ttt-too-sh-sh-short-ttt-t-t-oo-b-b-be-an-an-angry."

Needless to say, Bomber has a new adopted father and an entire wildland firefighting crew as bodyguards here in the Rifle Correctional Center.

As wildland firefighters we spend a lot of time on fire mitigation-removing dangerously dry debris from high risk areas. Our arch-nemesis is a tree called a Russian Olive. The Russian Olive is a tree/brush that is covered in thorns and causes all sorts of problems wherever it is found. The biggest problem with the Russian Olive is that is consumes 10x more water than a normal tree. By consuming so much water, the tree literally sucks the life out of all the other trees and bushes in the area. Nothing else can survive or grow in its   vicinity. The beautiful trees that may otherwise be able to grow in an area are stripped of precious water and are left as dried out, high risk fire material. As firefighters we come in with our chainsaws and cut out all of the Russian Olive Trees. We have literally cut out trees and returned the next day to find running streams where there had previously been only dry Russian Olive covered ground. You could see the life returning to the whole ecosystem as water flowed where it previously had not. 

I've spent a lot of time over the last two years being angry. Angry at myself for some of my poor choices, angry at my former employer Wood Group for taking this situation to such extremes, angry at the media, the DA, the Judge, even God himself at times. I'm ashamed to admit that at times I've wasted hours and days plotting vengeance in the form of an expose, tell-all blog post about my former employer. My anger consumed me at times to where I could not think of anything else. 

Its safe to say that anger is a lot like the Russian Olive Trees that I spent my days fighting against. Once we let anger get into our hearts, it is an all-consuming monster. It robs us of happiness, logic, love, patience, and every other gift associated with the Light Of Christ. If we allow it to thrive it will eventually destroy the spiritual ecosystem that is meant to give us life.

As I approach my four-month anniversary of incarceration, I am happy to say that I am not angry anymore. I've given all of my anger to God-and I'll let vengeance be his as well. I've spent countless hours of my life working on both literal and figurative mitigation of Russian Olive Trees. As I've mitigated my anger with spiritual chainsaws, I have felt this spiritual life-blood return to my soul. I hope that we can all find it within ourselves to mitigate the anger out of our hearts because as Bomber said so profoundly....

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE ANGRY

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Felon, 416 Fire, Silver Creek Fire, Spring Fire, Cabin Lake Fire

120 DAYS TODAY!

I can't believe today Brandon has been gone for 120 days. In some ways it seems so long ago when I couldn't see straight and thought I could barely make it through the day. Those first few weeks are such a blur and seem so much longer than 4 months ago, almost like it never happened. But it did and we have made it to the 120th day and it feels very bittersweet.

Brandon has a new post that hopefully will be going up tonight after he gets back from wherever he is clearing out scrub oak, thinning trees, removing brush and and hauling it out. He loves it and being so exhausted that he can actually sleep on the bed that his feet hang off of and too narrow for him to lay flat!

I am so proud of my kids and how they have handled being away from their dad. Of course there are bad days, Brandon's birthday was last week and it was especially rough for all of us. A tough day we just had to get through. All of us are hoping that is the first and last time we will celebrate apart. 

We saw him last weekend and my Dad and nephew, Cole surprised us by showing up on Sunday to see him too. It was so good being with them and seeing everyone laughing and enjoying being together. As I have said, leaving Brandon is never easy. I am so grateful it's not because it should never feel good to leave him there. 

I am sorry about the comment section, I don't know why it doesn't work all of the time. We appreciate the texts and emails you send, Brandon loves reading them. He also wants you to know if he hasn't responded to your emails, he may not have gotten them so try again. 

We appreciate all of you and following along this crazy, heart wrenching and oddly, heart warming chapter in our lives. 120 days in and the sun is beginning to shine through the fog!

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Felon, 416 Fire, Silver Creek Fire, Spring Fire, Cabin Lake Fire

Baptism By Fire

Since my near-death experience of making the firefighting team, my days and weeks have been spent training, studying wild land firefighting manuals and passing a series of technical tests that are required to attain my firefighter Type 1 certificate. Many of the inmates who are on SWIFT will go on to be Wildland Firefighters on the outside-something I find very admirable. 

In my opinion, it's something the Colorado Department of Corrections has gotten absolutely right-everybody wins with programs like SWIFT. The inmates are able to use their time while incarcerated giving back to the communities that have been affected by their actions while bettering themselves by learning a whole new skill set-all while bringing in significant amount of revenue for the DOC. I wish the inmates and the DOC were more willing to participate in similar programs.

One of the immediate logistical problems of me making the team was my size. As a Wildland Firefighter, you are issued required gear that is designed to make you efficient at your job while protecting your life. Across the board, with no exceptions, did any of the gear currently in inventory here fit me. Everything from the fire boots to hard hats were too small. As I've been reminded multiple times-guys my size just don't choose wild land firefighting as a profession. So needless to say, it has taken a couple of weeks for the size 15 fire boots, XXXL Nomex shirts, 38x36 pants, XXL gloves and for a hard hat, they've decided to have me strap a dutch oven over my head.

One of the technical/physical tests that we are required to pass is the deployment of a fire shelter. A fire shelter is a cocoon like structure that folds up into a pouch that all firefighters are required to carry at all times. The shelter is able to protect firefighters from temperatures up to 2000 degrees F. But they are only meant to be used in extreme emergencies when you absolutely cannot escape the oxygen-hungry flames of a forest fire. For someone like me who has never been around fires, it was really hard for me to understand how you could ever get caught in a situation where you'd have to deploy your shelter. I thought, "just stay out of those situations?" However, after going through our training, I have gained a whole new appreciation for the danger of these forest fires and the men and women who fight them. 

One of my good friends that I hit it off with immediately over his love and passion of all things hunting, along with a wife who is just as awesome, has over 20 years experience in every area of the wildland fire service. I can't even begin to name all the titles and expertise he holds. I thought he was a stud before, but after my little taste of his world thus far, he is my hero. Ironically enough, he is one of the reasons the SWIFT program is here in Colorado. He helped bring it here and get it signed into law after seeing the success it had in other states. Never did I imagine that I would be here, let alone apart of a program that my friend help implement. I am so incredibly grateful for him and the SWIFT program because it is saving me in here. Maybe if the stars align, luck is on my side, I may just get to see him if we are called to the same fire, I will be trying to hold back my emotions as I hug him, I hope it happens. 

So as I am learning, this stuff is no joke and it's hard to understand all the engineering, science, weather, smoke dangers etc that these men and women are working all while trying to save land, structures, people, and of course each other. 
Consider this-forest fires can be so powerful that they create their own weather patterns. Combined with factors like wind and very dry fuels, the can move at 100 yards a second! Imagine that-you are standing in the end zone of a football field watching a fire burning in the other end zone. By the time you realize that the fire is coming towards you, it's already too late. These fires must be feared, respected and understood or you risk devastating consequences. Contrary to popular belief, firefighters do not die from being burned by direct flame but die from the inhalation of 2000+ degree super  heated air. Two breaths of that kind of air and your lungs are done  for.

The test requirement for the fire shelter is full deployment in 25 seconds or less. Our Chiefs add the requirement of a 50 yard run to make it more realistic-after all, if you were deploying your shelter you will have most likely been running to escape the fire. 

To be as realistic as possible, we start the test with all of our gear on-which includes a 50 lb backpack, chainsaw and tools. Once you have decided to deploy your fire shelter, the first thing you do is ditch all your non-required gear-so once the timer starts you shed the backpack, toss you chainsaw and start running. The shelter folds ups into a pouch that is about the size of an iPad. We are trained to start removing the shelter front the pouch as we are running to our deployment site. My best description of what one of the shelters looks like is a cross between an emergency blanket and a fitted sheet. The shelter is pulled around you as you lay face down on the ground. You want to seal the shelter as tight as possible to protect the oxygen that will sustain you as the fire passes around you hunting for every drop of flammable air. Our training tells us to be prepared to spend up to 2 hours in the shelter. I've never considered myself a claustrophobic person- but when you are sprinting to get away from a fie, full of adrenaline and fear and then deploy and climb into one of these shelters-your brain starts sounding all sorts of alarms that put you into panic mode. Luckily for the test, we're only required to stay in the shelter for 10 minutes-which is still a very long 10 minutes.

I practiced multiple times with my mentor Stokey. By now, he's used to having to modify his teaching methods to account for trying to train a Sasquatch. After I felt comfortable with the process we told the Chiefs that I was ready to take my test. They setup with stopwatches about 60 yards away and I put on all of my gear. Just like a track race, they asked if I was ready; I nodded and they yelled, "set, GO!"

I immediately sprung into action and thew my pack and chainsaw down and began to sprint. As I threw my pack to the ground, I grabbed the velcro pouch that held my shelter and sprinted towards my waiting bosses. As I was sprinting, I ripped open the pouch and began to unfold the shelter. I was amazed at how smoothly everything was going-all the training I had done with Stokey was paying off. 

I arrived at the deployment site in under 10 seconds which meant I still had 15 seconds to get situated face down on the ground with the shelter around me. In my practice training, climbing into the shelter was always the most difficult thing. For one, the shelter is too small for me. They have ordered me a larger shelter but at the time of the test, I was still using a regular sized shelter. Also, I am not a real graceful person. I've been known to play with Sallie's hair and accidentally rip patches out. Most of these dudes make climbing into a shelter look like an artistic floor routine at the World Gymnastics Championship. I kept thinking of my Goble brothers, they would've crushed this. I make it look like that scene from Ace Ventura where he is climbing out of a mother rhino after she gave birth. It's ugly. 

As they continued to countdown the seconds, 10,9,8.....I got the shelter around me and dropped face first to the ground with 3 seconds to spare. I was very uncomfortable but proud of myself for making it through the hardest part of the test-now the 10 minute wait inside an oxygen deprived and hot cocoon began.

The Chiefs continued talking and quizzing me about training questions as I was lying face down in the dirt. After the 5 minute mark, I could hear that other people were gathering around me. At about the 6 minute mark, I could hear muffled laughs and by 7 minutes, I could hear roaring laughter. I soon realized that my fellow firefighters had been summoned up to see the results of my test-and whatever they saw was extremely funny.

I became paranoid to the point where I started yelling, "What is so funny?!" That just made them laugh even more. I didn't dare get out of my shelter before the 10 minutes were up so I just kept my face down and wait it out. When they finally called it, I started to remove the shelter and immediately figured out what everyone had gathered to laugh at me. When I had deployed my shelter, I had failed to get my left leg tucked into the elastic part of the shelter. The result was that my left leg-from the back of my thigh down was completely outside of the shelter for the entire 10 minutes! So needless to say, I was roasted...pun completely intended.

For the Juniper Vally Fire Team, our season officially began May 1st. It has been a rainy week throughout Colorado this wee so we have not been called out on any fires yet. Much like the structural firefighters that protect our homes, we are all waiting around anticipating this year's first fire needing help from inmates. We spend our days when not on a fire, doing mitigation work. This entails cutting down high-risk trees and brush in and around the residential areas. We spent this week in Aspen, CO working around many of the homes in the community.

Because May 1st marked the beginning of our season, receiving visits from now until October 1st will be hit and miss. New laws will allow us to be on fires for 21 straight days without coming back to the facility. So Sallie and the kids have spent the last couple of weekends up here along with some other people who have taken the time to come see me. My Bishop, Stake President (local leaders from my church. Bishop presides over our neighborhood ward and the Stake President presides of a number of wards in an area)

 I was also fortunate to have a very special, very spiritual visit with Elder K. Brett Nattress of the Quorum of the Seventy as well as my Area President Thomas T. Priday.(he presides over the Stake Presidents in a particular area) I have cherished every second of these visits. I don't know why they have taken to time to come visit me as well as Sallie and my kids, but I continue to be humbled and grateful. It's been a huge strength to us and as I mentioned in my previous post, Heavenly Father is everywhere and truly is aware of me and my family. It's an experience I cannot adequately speak of, in the lowest, darkest places I have never been in my life and vulnerable, it has brought me to a place where I am humble enough to recognize, appreciate and embrace it. Again, to all those reading this not familiar with my Mormon lingo and wonder what Quorum of the Seventy, Area President etc.  is/means/does etc., and why it's such a big deal to me, you can find a description/explanation on www.mormon.org or www.lds.org.  Don't worry, it won't track your inquiry :) 

(It's just a great way to give you an idea of what the things I have mentioned in this post as well as others as far as my religion mean or what they are.) 

I will keep posting as I am able, otherwise I have asked Sal to give updates as well as my kids to post when they feel like it. Maybe a few friends or other family members will as well. Regardless, you will at least get an update on my status until I can write again.

Now it's on the baptism by fire.....metaphorically speaking of course. 

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Felon, 416 Fire, Silver Creek Fire, Spring Fire, Cabin Lake Fire

We don't fall down

"Weebles Wobble but they don't fall down.." I miss the days when our four little kids wanted nothing more than chocolate milk filled sippy cups, hugs, and The Disney Channel. I'd sometimes find myself looking forward to the latest installment of whatever Disney show was coming out. One of the most memorable toy commercials from that period of our lives was called Weebles. Weebles are little toy figures that are shaped kind of like a bowling pin. What makes a Weeble fun to play with is that they have a counter-weight in their bodies that will not allow them to be tipped over. If you push one over, they will rock back, wobble a bit and pop right back up-hence the tag line- weebles wobble but they don't fall down.

The past 2 1/2 years  of our lives have been full of trials and adversity that at times seemed unbearable. And, although we will be the first to admit that there are people with much more difficult trials than ours, these were the most difficult things that Sal and I have ever had to face thus far in our lives. I have to admit that as the legal process dragged on day after day, month after month and year after year, I began to empathize with the plight of a weeble. After all, the whole purpose of playing with a weeble is to try and knock him over and it seems like life was doing it's best to knock us down.

I'm sure that we've all felt like a weeble at some point in our lives. The miracle of this life is that we all find ways to not fall over. Sallie and I have learned so much about ourselves, our faith, and our friends and family through this ordeal-in fact, it's those four things that have kept us from falling over.

Ourselves

Sallie and I are the classic love story, except the part about me being in prison...I knew I loved Sal when I was 15 years old-23 years ago. Despite my poor Dad trying to keep me from having a steady girlfriend, we have always been meant for each other. We have the most beautiful kids- they are all we dreamed we'd have someday.

We always wanted to have at least one more baby, maybe two. But that was not meant to be. We were 22 years old when we had Maggie, little did we know the adversity we'd be facing of having more kids. Fast forward five years and 3 kids later, Sal wasn't feeling right and next thing I knew, I was told Sal was 12 weeks pregnant but it was an ectopic and she was rupturing. Our Dr. was one of the best and had been involved in all four previous high risk, premature babies births. I trusted him completely, so when he told me that she wasn't going to be able to carry any more pregnancies, I was devastated for Sal and myself but knew our Dr. knew what had to be done and I will forever be grateful for the love, skill and care he gave Sal and my kids.

Having to tell Sallie when she was awake after surgery was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had with her. It was tough for us to accept, yet as the shock of it all began to settle in, we realized how blessed we were to have the babies we have. Although it's still sad for me, we have four kids we are lucky to have as all of our babies were premature and we were always worried that one of them might not make it- especially Navy.

Like everyone, we have had our share of stressful job changes, moves, health scares, and financial worries of starting a company. All pretty normal issues that you could expect life to give you. But when my former company decided to sue me civilly and ultimately pursue criminal charges despite settling, our lives were turned upside down. One of the hardest parts about the legal process was that I didn't feel like Sallie and I were old enough to be dealing with these types of situations. Lawsuits happened to older, more mature people- I still see Sallie an I as teenagers! But as it is- we are not and we are adults old enough, probably not mature enough, but we had to face this adult situation.

The adversity that we faced throughout all of this was worse than we could have ever imagined. There were nights where I held Sallie as she cried herself to sleep, there were nights where she held me as I cried, and there were nights that we spent crying ourselves to sleep.... in separate rooms. We've learned a lot about each other. I learned that Sallie is stronger than I knew. I've learned that she is the most loyal woman that I will ever know. I would not have made it through all of this without her. She gave me hope when I thought there was nothing left to hope for. Sallie is the single greatest blessing that I have and will ever receive.

Our biggest fear as we approached sentencing was the kids. For the most part, we had tried our best to shelter the kids from the whole situation. However, I suspect that they could tell that Mom and Dad were off and not their usual selves. One of Maggie's friends had sent her the link to the article -that was absolutely terrible.  But I could never imagined the strength and character that our amazing kids have shown through all of this. As they sit around the table in the visiting room here, I am so grateful for them. I know there are days where kids at school can be especially mean about having a dad in prison, sadly, even some adults, but they continue to amaze us with their perspective. On most nights we have our standing 8pm phone call where I get to talk to each of them and go through each of their days. Before I can even ask them how their day was, they want to know how I am doing.

"Did you sleep well? How was dinner, How are your prison friends?" I wish I would have given our kids more credit earlier in all of this-they are more in tune than adults. They have been one of my biggest sources of strength in here.

Faith

When I started this blog I promised to be authentic and under that promise I will tell you this-there have been multiple time throughout the past couple of years where my faith "wobbled." Life can be full of such joy that we tend to forget that life has it's share of disappointments and sadness. I know that while facing some of my hardest trials I have found myself telling God that I don't deserve this. At times during this legal process I felt completely abandoned by my Heavenly Father. Nothing that we were praying for was being given to us. It was as if everything I have ever believed was starting to crack. What I had forgotten during this was that God does not promise to take away our burdens-he promises that through our faith, they will be made lighter. As I look back, I can see God's hand everywhere in our lives during this trial and he continues to make our heavy burden lighter on a daily basis.

Family and Friends

It has been said that when times get tough you find out who your friends are. We got the opportunity to see how blessed and good the family and friends that didn't blink when told them, we just got to see how truly amazing they are.

One of my favorite stories from the Bible is in the Old Testament in 2 Kings 6: The Kingdoms of Israel and Syria are at war. The Prophet Elisha has been helping Israel to win battles by telling the King information about the Syrian Army. The King of Syria finds out about Elisha and decides to send part of his army to kill the Prophet. One of Elisha's servants wakes up in the morning and discovers  that they are completely surrounded by Syrian horses, chariots and a large army. The servant runs and wakes up Elisha up and says, "Master, why should we do?" Elisha's answer is so powerful. "Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them."

I'm sure the servant of the Prophet was confused Elisha had no armies, no horses, chariots there to protect them. Elisha sensing the fears of his servant prays, "Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes that he may see." And the Lord answered Elisha's prayer because we read, "And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha."

There were so many times over the past few years where we felt completely alone. I was a lot like the servant of Elisha who just didn't have the "eyes of faith" to look around and see all the angels that were standing beside us. Those angels that had come to support and protect us were our families and friends. Most of them will never fully understand the impact that your love and support has had on us through this trying time. I can still recall some of the painful, humiliating phone conversations I had to have with my father in law, mother in law, brothers, sisters, parents, friends, customers and employees.

One of the most influential men in my life is my father in law who I call Doc. I have known him since I was a kid. He helped me in so many ways throughout my life, and when I was faced with this, he told me that while he didn't condone some of my poor decisions, they would support me in every way possible through the process, in his words, "that's what family does and I expect you to do the same thing for my grand kids and their spouses and kids. You sell everything you own to help your family." I will never forget that because he is someone who lives everything he preaches. I would be lost without his guidance and unconditional love and support. It seems to run in the Goble family because all of the siblings, along with Michele have loved me through it all.

Sallie had the example of strength and loyalty growing up watching her mom, Michele. She was a classy lady and  I was a just a teenage boy who thought her mom was hot. Somehow, I knew enough to see how special she was. I don't think I consciously knew how important these traits are, but as life happens, I am fully aware and what a gift she has given her kids.

The youngest Goble, Bouk, happens to be my business partner and he along with his wife Hailey have been right beside us going through it with us. Their two boys have been a bright spot for me on so many days, I miss seeing them and miss teasing them. I am so grateful for them and all that they have taken on while I am away, family is everything and while we have friends who are like family to us, I am blessed to have in laws who I love as my own.

 My brother Jason, I wish he lived closer so we could raise our kids together but as soon as things went bad in January, Jason and Carolyn offered to come here, move here, help with the kids, basically do anything to help without a thought of how it would affect their lives. What an example they have been to me.

Whenever I call my parents, I can count on my mom to make sure I am ok, physically and emotionally. She is easy to talk to and always has been, I always feel better after hearing her voice. My dad is great about checking in on my spirituality and that I am applying the principles he has taught me. It's a perfect balance.

Both of my brother in laws on each side, Sam and Brandon who we refer to a B-Larry, are both attorneys and have been so helpful in helping with the case. I'm sure it's frustrated them but I am so grateful for their knowledge, advice and help with the case along with my lead attorney. It goes without saying that their wives Chelsie and my sister Chelsea had to give up their time with them and the kids to help me, I am so thankful.

Sallie's sister Caytee is the best sister to Sallie. She knows her, understands her and would do anything for us. I always tried to swing by Lane and Caytee's house in Texas. Seeing their kids was always the highlight, they tease me and I tease them, I loved it. Lane would take Jack and raise him how I would want if needed, that means a lot to a dad when you think about what you'd want for your kids if you weren't around.

I sit here and think about all of my siblings and Sallie's. My oldest brother in law Pete is the oldest Goble and I was always a little intimidated by him. He can fix anything with a motor and it took me years to finally quit pretending like I knew what an actuator was, let alone how to rebuild a car, how to fix a motor... It's a lot less energy to try to gain his respect in a more respectable way..although this isn't what I had in mind. His wife Alex was his high school sweetheart as well and I am not sure if they know how much I always admired how they treated each other. I am grateful for them and hopefully when this is over, I will be able to spend more time around them and their kids.

Being in here, you have a lot of time to think about how you spend your time and who and what is really important. Relationships with family is important to me and I plan to make sure I invest more in that.

My youngest brothers Tim and Jimmy along with their wives Diana and McKelle were left in the dark as I hoped to resolve this without them knowing about it. As the oldest in my family, I take pride in being a good example and I was ashamed and didn't want to let them down. As with my own kids, I didn't give them enough credit. As soon as they knew what was happening, all they cared about was me and my family. Sad it took me in this position to realize that somtimes, the oldest doesn't always know best.

Grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, friends (that I will have to address in another post), coaches, church leaders, and an entire Cross-Fit gym have combined forces to look our for the well being of the Stephens Family.

Just one story that I'd like to use as an example-

Each year our kids' elementary school holds a daddy-daughter dance. They do an amazing job and I have loved taking my girls every year for the last 12 years. The event takes place in March so my littlest lady, Elizabeth's date was locked up. She and I were completely heartbroken knowing that we wouldn't be able to go together this year. We had many conversations about whether or not she should go or not and ultimately we decided that she didn't feel comfortable going with anyone else's dad. The whole scenario just made me sick- my baby girl was missing out on a special night because of her knuckle headed Dad.

One night as I was talking to Sal, she told me that there was someone who wanted to talk with me. That last time she said that  it was an Apostle so I was wondering who could possibly top that. I heard the voice on the other end and immediately recognized it as being that of Maggie's "friend"-Collin. Collin is a great kid and is someone I enjoyed getting to know before my move to Rifle. My whole family has loved having him around occasionally and has helped Jack not being the lone wolf at the house.

I could tell in his voice that he was a little nervous but I let him talk. "Mr. Stephens, I'd like to get your permission to ask Maggie to prom." Collin and I have an old school relationship that was passed down to me by Doc Goble. I told him that I was completely fine with that as long as he understood that my "rule" was still in place- anything that he does with her, I'd do with him. If they hold hands, we hold hands, if they hug, we hug, if they kiss...he assured me that it was still in place and I assured him that now that I've been in prison, I was more prepared to follow through on that deal.

After we got that business out of the way, I assumed the call was over so I started telling him goodbye. He hesitantly told me that he had one more question for me. As I think back on the question he as a 16 year old kid asking me, it's hard for me not to get choked up. Not because I feel bad but because I am so proud that they are still boys like Collin in this world. Collin asked me if he could also take my Elizabeth to the daddy daughter dance. "Of course you can," I said trying to hide my emotions.

I was so surprised and humbled to hear this young man show amazing love and empathy for my family. It's gives me such amazing hope in the caliber and the character of the youth in this world, and what an example for Jack to see. I hope his parents know how grateful I am that they have raised such a good, good kid. It may be an unprecedented situation- a 16 year old taking 16 and 11 year old sisters to dances in the same month, fully endorsed by the father.

This example as well as the family I am blessed to be apart of,  I tell you about with tears in my eyes is exactly the reason the Stephens wobble but they won't fall down.

*next post..training for the fire season is heating up

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Felon, 416 Fire, Silver Creek Fire, Spring Fire, Cabin Lake Fire

When my world went dark and smelled like poop ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My parents have begged, bribed, and threatened me to write something on here. I've refused every time, and I can't really say why, because I myself don't know. I absolutely hate thinking about anything and everything having to do with it. There's so much pain that follows with it, and I can't deal with the overwhelming feeling of sadness, anger, fear, and hurt at once. I can talk about the surface of my dad's situation to people. I don't want anyone to know how I feel. That's why I hate having to write on this. I don't want anyone to watch over me and center their attention on me, when they could have more important things to take care of. I never told my mom how I felt, because I felt guilty telling her how I felt when she's juggling everything my dad had to. I never told my closest friends how I felt, I kept it close and bottled up. A journal seemed too risky and painful to pour out to. I truly didn't want to talk about it. And typing this, my hands shake, my heart pounds, and my eyes water. But here I am, here to tell my side, my emotions, me, through it all. (Cue the Dateline music)

I've known about this case since it started long ago. I knew what they wanted from my dad, and that it stressed him out severely. But, as time went on, I'd check in with my dad saying, "How's the case?" and he'd answer with "It's getting there." or, "Hopefully almost done!" and I'd just nod, kiss his forehead, and walk away. I remember asking another time, "Is it over?" and he looked up me smiling, and said, "Yeah, it's finally is done." I jumped into his arms and hugged him, happy that he could be at peace and (hopefully) take us to Mexico or DisneyWorld, because, at the time, I was a little more naive and spoiled enough to ask and want to go on a fun trip. But, it wasn't over.

In March of 2017, my family decided to go to cruise. My dad couldn't go because one of his employees was hurt in a car accident, and his new company, Spartan, was too 'young' to have an assigned guy to help out, my dad had to go. It was weird going on a trip without him, but we had fun and loved it anyway. Little did I know, criminal charges were pressed against him and he didn't know if he could go so he stayed home. Time is a funny little thing, and people suck.

On January 23, my dad pulled me and my brother, Jack, into his bedroom. He explained how the next morning, he'd be going to the courthouse to be sentenced, and how the whole thing was never over. He told us that he'd probably get probation or community service, but the worse-case-scenario he'd be put into jail. We were taken back, but only nodded and agreed to keep it quiet until he came home tomorrow afternoon to tell Navy and Lizza what happened. My dad told us to not be too confident, because it could go any way, and it was the judge's decision. I felt pretty cool-like a spy or something. I new this top secret information all of my family were staying in hotels, and no one was to know that they were here. I nodded and hugged my dad, and told him, "Everything happens for a reason. It'll be okay." and he pulled away and smiled, agreeing.

The next morning, all my siblings left for school, and I stayed behind to babysit my baby cousins. I told my friends that I had to babysit because my family had a huge business meeting. Not a lie, but not entirely the truth. I nervously watched the boys, waiting for my mom to call or text that she was on the way. But, my thoughts were interrupted when Ty, my younger cousin threw up on the floor. I quickly took him to the sink to let him yack up more, but he only began to cry and whimper. I took him into the tub and let him cool down, soon letting him watch a movie while I cleaned up. Ty began to walk around and play, with no sign of gagging or sickness. I smiled and began to do something, when I noticed the way he walked. He walked as if he was severely chaffed, his stance wide and awkwardly hobbling around. I slowly followed him, trying to come up with some explanation as to why he was walking like a freaking cowboy. Then, he sat down. His diaper made a squish, and a pool of (GRAPHIC) watery poop seeped out. I gagged and stood there, shocked. That's why he was walking so particularly. It was like a pool in his diaper, and he couldn't walk right while it sloshed  around. I carefully led him into the bathroom, and put him in the bath, again. The baby was asleep, at the house reeked, and we didn't have anything to get the stain out of the carpet. Defeated,  I sat on the floor, next to the brown, lumpy stain on the blue carpthinking, What else could happen? 

Then, my aunt Caytee walked in with my other aunt and uncle. Soon, more and more family members flooded in. Navy was severely confused, she had 0 idea why anyone would be here. I scurried around the house, giving people drinks and showing where the bathroom was. When I got the chance, I called my mom.

"Hey, where are you? Where's dad?"
"I'll be there soon, make sure all the kids are home, I love you."

I remember brushing it off, and busying myself with everyone in the house. Then, my mom walked through the door. I searched for the broad laugh or tall stature of my dad that would follow through the door, but no one came. Ignoring it, I sat down and talked to my family members. My mom was in and out of her room with different family members, quietly nodding and clutching to her phone. Then, my uncle, Bouk, stood in front of everyone and announced us to all be quiet. I sat down next to my other uncle, Peter, and listened. Navy was with Hailey, and my grandma sat next to Jack and Lizza. My mom stood to the side, holding my dad's ring and looking to the floor. Bouk began to tell us kids how much he loved us, and how much my dad loved us. He began to cry, as well as my Papa. He explained that we wouldn't be seeing my dad for awhile, and we're going to find out more as the next couple days go by. Jack and I silently cried, knowing what happened. Navy and Lizza sobbed loudly, confused as to why dad wasn't coming home.

I remember Peter holding me, but I don't remember much after. Voices were mumbled and distant. People hugged me and shuffled out, catching planes and rides back home. I got a text from my closest friends, Abby and Maddy Staffieri, and Hunter Hoff. They asked if I was ok and how I was, and I soon was driving over to their house. I took my dad's truck, and I couldn't breathe as I drove. His car smelled exactly like him, his candy wrappers and cologne sent a powerful, painful truth of everything that had happened. I quickly got out of the car and went to their door, soon being ushered into Maddy's room. When her bedroom door closed, we all sobbed. We cried and whimpered, so so heartbroken over it all. I sat there, crying and trying to talk things out with them as we all cried. I've never felt more loved and closer to these girls, I was so grateful for them to let me cry, and for them to cry with/for me. They hugged me and helped me for the next couple of weeks, keeping people away from me and checking in on me. I also called my other close friend, Gabby, and broke the news to her. She cried over the phone, so horrified, sad and frustrated. Throughout the months, she's always  keeping me in check and letting me rant to her. There are so many others that have blessed my life through this all, and I don't know when or how I'll repay you all.

Thinking about that day, and the couple weeks after feels like when you're overly exhausted. When all you want to do is sleep, but you can't because someone is talking, or you're in class, or you need to get something done. It's a dull and painful feeling, because all you want to do is sleep, or for it to be over. It was a painful lag in those months. Food wasn't tasteful, nothing was fun, and I would rather sleep than be with anyone. I'm slowly healing and adjusting. It is hard playing soccer and not having my dad cheering or yelling at me, or attending a dance and not having him to shake the boy down, or someone as big as him to cuddle with when I want. But I have so many other people to do that- my uncles, close family friends, other aunts, my mom, my friends, to help and support me. It sucks having to drive 4 hours to Rifle to see him, but to run to hug my dad and hear him make jokes makes me more and more OK with it all. I'm still not 100% happy, but I'm happy that he's OK, and that my family is OK, and that so many people have stepped forward to help. I'm counting down the days till he comes home so he can scold me for not running hard enough, or to scratch his head or to for him to send me soccer memes. Writing this all hurts, and I hate it, but soon I'll realize how good it was for me. Hopefully I'll never have to write, no offense (;  thank you.

- Maggie

Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Felon, 416 Fire, Silver Creek Fire, Spring Fire, Cabin Lake Fire