The Cascade Effect of Bad Decisions

Well...I indicated in my last post that one of my goals was to write on the blog more often. It's been almost 2 months, so... FAIL!

From an update standpoint, I am so close to being able to move out of the halfway house and be back home with Sallie and the kids. I am completely done with the "program" part of the halfway house. Now, it is just a waiting game to get approved by the community board to move back in with Sallie and the kids - the process can take anywhere from 1 week to 2 months (kind of like the Cable Repair Guy schedule from Hell). It's interesting how our human minds work. We tell ourselves how grateful we'd be if <insert wish here> and a lot of the time, our wish comes true. And then once our onetime wish is our new reality, we're no longer fulfilled with it, so we want  <insert new wish here>. I can remember some of those first nights in prison where all I wanted was to be able to go outside, look at the sky and breathe fresh air. I can remember nights up camping on fires this past summer where I'd look up at the stars and just dream of being able to see that same sky with my family...And so I'm constantly reminding myself to keep the right perspective - that as bad as I hate waiting to move back permanently with my family, I'm OK with my current circumstances - at one time, I would have given anything to have my current setup.

Sallie and I often admit to each other that we can literally feel the darkness that has encompassed our lives over the past 3 years lifting and leaving. All of the fear, doubt and anxiety that comes with the unknowns, unexpect-eds and unfamiliars has been replaced by the faith and hope that comes with the knowns, expect-eds and familiars. We are reestablishing, rebuilding and restoring everything that my poor choices destroyed. It's not easy - but it is incredibly satisfying to be moving forward along the path of life again.

As I've gradually transitioned back into my former life, there are some things that are incredibly painful to face. One of the unintended consequences of this whole situation is the cascade effect that my bad decisions have had on so many of the people in my life. I think that one of the biggest lies that we tell ourselves, whenever we make poor choices (sin), is that those choices don't cause any harm to anyone but ourselves - and there are even times where we convince ourselves that those bad choices don't even harm ourselves.

One thing that has become apparent to me as I've started to rebuild and repair relationships is just how damaging this whole situation was on so many people in my life. Everyone from my wife, kids, extended family, friends, former teammates, business associates, employees were put into a situation by me where they had to try and reconcile who I really was - was the Brandon that they "thought" they knew really the Brandon that I was? The media's involvement further complicated the entire situation and put so many people in the awkward situation of having to defend or explain what was going on. As I've talked to so many of you and others about this whole situation, it has become apparent just how difficult of a situation I put so many people in. The tough discussions, questions, conversations etc. that came with all of this were difficult, at best, and at worst, damaging nearly beyond repair. This situation has consumed massive amounts of resources from our friends and families - time, money, sleepless nights, the list could go on and on... Former employees who used to work for me at Wood Group, were blackballed and shunned - simply because of their association with me. My kids were made fun of, ridiculed and harassed about their Dad - the prisoner. I've digressed somewhat into negativity here - but please understand, that's not my intention at all. I just want to make sure that I properly acknowledge what I now know - that the cascade effect of my bad decisions was beyond anything that I ever could have imagined - or wished on my worst enemies. The consequences of my self-serving bad decisions were only ever supposed to hurt me - never those who I love and associate with.

For this and everything else, I want to send an open apology to anyone and everyone who was hurt by my bad decisions - I am sorry. I've had the chance to tell a lot of different people that I'm sorry - but I understand that there are many people who I may no longer associate with or have contact with who I haven't been able to reach. And there are a great deal more people who are too nice to ever let me know just how much this situation has impacted you. Once again I'm sorry - I screwed up, I really did. And I'm fully aware that there are things that have happened that cannot be reversed - for that my soul aches.

I love reading C.S. Lewis and I love his quotes. Two of my favorites are-

"There are far better things ahead, than any we leave behind"

"You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending"

I've spent way too many hours daydreaming about being able to go back in time and smack myself upside the head and ask, "Do you really know what you are doing? Do you know who you'll end up hurting?" But countless unanswered prayers for time travel tell me that there is no going back. So as C.S. Lewis says - I'll start where I am and work towards changing the ending.

I hope that those of you who I've inadvertently dragged into my adventure can forgive me. I never thought that this would end up where it has ended up. All I can tell you is that I am truly sorry... and there are far better things ahead, than any we leave behind.

Love you all-

Brandon


Brandon Stephens, Weld County Jail, Wood Group, Sentenced, 5 Years, Prison, NFL, DRDC, Rifle Correctional Center, Colorado Department of Corrections, Jail, Judge Quammen, Steve Wrenn, Weld County, Executive, Oil, Gas, White Collar, Wood, BYU, Masters Degree, Colorado State University, SWIFT, Firefighter, Wildland, Sawyer, Fire, Inmate, Brandon Stokey, Miracles, Centennial Community Correctional Center, Delta Correctional Center, DRDC, Denver Diagnostic and Reception Center, Felony, Sallie Stephens, Greeley Tribune, Judge Thomas Quammen, DA Steve Wrenn, Weld County Court, Oil & Gas,. Halfway House, Centennial Community Correction Center, CCTC, Centennial Community Transition Center