I have had so many people ask how we did it, what we learned, any regrets, how we have changed. Simple questions with such complicated answers. I have many, many regrets but I have learned that any amount of growth comes with hindsight regrets. I had to will myself to get out of bed every morning. I had to tell myself it could be so much worse, I would look in the mirror while brushing my teeth telling myself that I can do this, I have to do this. I would meltdown in my closet or in the shower so my kids wouldn't see me. When I washed my face at night, I would cry because I made it through another day.
I have thought about 2018 in so many different lights. I don't know if people who reached out to me, Brandon and the kids knew what it meant to us. I saw goodness in so many people, friends, family, people that I wasn't necessarily close too, some I didn't even know, friends of friends. It was extraordinary. My parents, they are the greatest and most Christ like people I know. They are such an example of what being a mom and dad is all about.
I had so many bad days but as I look back, there were so many good days. How dumb does that sound? I know it does but it is true. Maybe all the dark days made the good days all the brighter, what a blessing that is. Being able to look back and appreciate the truly good days has brought a perspective on life that I have never known.
Life can change in an instant and mine did. Although it's not completely behind us, it's getting close. My three girls and my one boy have been my world, but now, I appreciate them on a level I never did before. They gave me so much hope and so much strength. Their unwavering faith and resilience is extraordinary. Kids have a pure love in them and it carries through in ways I never noticed until I desperately needed it. They loved me through my lowest days while loving me on my best. Never did I doubt myself when I was with them. I wholeheartedly believe as they get older, they will look back on this time in their lives and will draw from it and be an everlasting reminder that they can do hard things, because they did. What a gift that is and will be, they will be better people because of this. All Brandon and I have ever wanted for our kids is for them to be happy and better people than us, they have already surpassed both.
I was so worried about Brandon. I worried if he would ever be the same. The jovial, confident, loving man that I have loved more than half my life. The funny thing about this whole situation, I doubted him and our kids and the strength they have. I thought I had to be strong for them, oh how arrogant I was.
Brandon has become the best version of him I have every known. He's different in many ways, but not. I don't have the skill of writing it eloquently, I guess it's simply that he is all that he was before yet has this quiet humility of love and compassion in his countenance. Something you can't fake. I have seen him handle situations with dignity and humility, some have been really hard but in the end, he owns who he is and has a confidence in himself that comes from his heart instead of his head. I know that sounds so silly, maybe even dumb; it's the only way I can describe it. I love him more than I thought I did, I love him for enduring, accepting and embracing all he's gone through. He came home a better man than he was January 24, 2018 and although we are still far from perfect, we are better together than we were 365 days ago.
What have I learned in the last year? I have learned that love and forgiveness can lift the burdens that haunted me. The darkest of days could never overshadow the light that always peaked through. I learned there is always, always hope. Hope in prayer, even when it feels like no one is there. Hope is having faith despite our doubts.
I always think of the saying that it takes a thousand compliments to undo one criticism. I believe that, I also believe it takes a thousand prayers to undo one thought of hopelessness, despair or fear. I believe it because I lived it. I had to consciously focus on the light around me so I didn't get overwhelmed with all the darkness.
If I can take one thing from 2018, it will be to be a light for someone, anyone. There is nothing darker than feeling alone. Everyone has trials, everyone has things they are ashamed of, embarrassed of, mistakes. Most of those, people will never know about, and some of them will be public. I'm not sure either is better than the other because it's terrible to go through things alone and it's terrible to go through things publicly. I will forever be in debt to those who brought light into my dark year. I will always try to be good to people because I know how much of a difference it make to me.
I am so grateful to be able to write on this blog. I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned that I never wanted too. I am grateful for people believing in us, loving and supporting us without hesitation. Thank you to every one of you who have loved us on our ugliest days. I love that we have survived what I thought we couldn't; I am proud of our mistakes, our outwardly showing scars because they are daily reminders of all the happiness around me, how far we've come and how much I have to be grateful for.
